Friday, December 09, 2005

I'm grumpy and I don't care!

*** WARNING*** I mean no disrespect to anyone and there are of course exceptions. Please read with caution as this is has not been sensored. ***WARNING***

When Friday and Saturday nights rolls around, I can pretty much tell you where I will be. It has been the same routine for over the past year. Both my parents can tell you because we used to joke about it. Now I feel like it is a little out of control.

Although, I must say, I have been lucky recently and I have gotten to stay home at least one night out of the weekend. Last weekend I got both nights to do whatever I wanted! And then we got "spoken to" about it and how James never called when he said he would. Bite me!

I'm the one who likes being social so usually I can go with the flow. James on the other hand, works A LOT. He doesn't want to go out and blow money and hang out with strangers and stay up late. He wants to sit on his...buns... and veg out. I understand that but sometimes it gets old. I just want him, to want to do something other than letting other people tell him what to do all the time. I just want him to make his own decisions and not let those people make him feel bad about it. I've talked to him about it and he understands why I get so upset sometimes.

I want my own friends!

I feel that ever since I moved to Kansas, I haven't put enough energy into the relationships that I should have. I poured too much energy into the relationships I knew would never work out. I'm not very "girly" but every once and a while I wish I had a female friend to hang out with. Women just bring something to a friendship that a husband can't. I think that is important to have.

I love hanging out with my boss. She's the same age as the other friends I have. Yet I still can't spill my guts about EVERYTHING because I work for her. (I've already tested the waters there and that didn't go to well.) How pathetic I feel sometimes having to beg her to go scrapbook (crop) with me? She has her own friends to do that with!

I can't wait to move to Lawrence. I don't know what I am hoping to find there. Exceptance maybe. I feel like when I go to Lawrence, I don't stand out as much...I fit in. No body cares that my armpits are all hairy or that when I go swimming I haven't shaved my legs since it was warm. No one even looks at me!

I am so tired of feeling like most of the friendships I still have only rely on me to keep them. It gets old being the only one to call, the only one to try and arrange get-togethers, and the only one to drive the hour to do anything. I am giving up and feeling like it's not worth it.

I have a few frienships that are built on distance. Those friendshps will never fade, they are deep rooted and have stood the tests of time (how cliche)!

Here's another thing. I am ready to move to Alaska and disown some family members. Not my immediate family but I don't want to point fingers. The harder I try to please people the more they make James and I feel bad about not seeing them and spending time with them ENOUGH. AHHHHHH!!!! It makes me furious. What about me and my time? I go through my week, waiting for Sunday to come around so I can be with my husband. I try SO hard and it's just like a snowball getting bigger and bigger. The harder I try, the more they nag. And I think, "When is the last time you came to see me?" In some cases I can say NEVER. In other cases, I can say twice. I wonder does anyone stop to think how hard it is for James and I going from being together EVERY single day to seeing each other in small chuncks of time through out the week. Well in case you were wondering, its hard and there is not much we can do about it right back off! I just don't think a lot of couples enjoy being together as much as we do so of course they probably don't think about it. Or they think that being together and being with other people should be enough. Well it's not...especially when you can't be yourself and have to walk on pins and needles trying not to offend anyone.

Ok, so I'm a little lonely. Looking back at what I have written so far...I don't appreciate the family I have enough and I long for the things I don't have.

That's enough. I'm through. I hope you aren't exhausted having read this. If you know anyone who is interested, I am currently taking applications for friends!

On another note, I had to stop in Lawrence on Wednesday night because of the weather. I stayed in my sister's dorm room and slept on the cold, hard floor (by choice...I didn't want to sleep on the top bunk with her and risk one of us falling off). I had such a good time. I got to TALK with my sister, which doesn't happen a lot. I feel so old sometimes but no one even noticed that I might be older. It was kind of a neat feeling although I found most of the drunk freshman running around to be pretty obnoxious! I never had the college dorm experience so I got to experience it in a few short hours! It was fun but I probably didn't miss out on anything!

Ok, now I am really done this time!

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