Tuesday, December 27, 2005


Long story short...Jame's Parent's drove to Lawrence yesterday evening and co-signed for us on an apartment. We learned that wether today or six months from now, we were going to need a co-signer to get an apartment. We can get approved to BUY a house but not to RENT an apartment. It makes sense when you think about it but it still makes me laugh. So James' parents graciously signed for us and we have an apartment, as of today, in Lawrence. We are SO SO SO SO SO grateful to them for helping us out.

We won't be getting internet for a while at home until James has a new job. We can probably afford to get it turned on but we don't feel that it is the best choice right now. Please be understanding as it will be more difficult to email and blog until we can get internet again. (It's for the best...I rely to heavily on the computer!)

Friday, December 16, 2005

Prayers and Thoughts

I haven't known how to write about this or what to say as things have been progressively changing. Here is a letter from my mom to her friends and family explaining all that she has been and still is going through. Your prayers and thoughts will be gladly appreciated during this difficult holiday season. If you want to email her or any or our family, you can write to something267@gmail.com.

This has been Bcc'd to all of you because I needed to let you know
what has been going on with me, thiese past few weeks. It is very hard
to write because I have been putting it off, and you are all such a
diverse group of friends and family on my email list. Some of you
might be online friends from various interest groups (and if you are,
this whole email is not for the 'lists'), some might be people thatI
have a professional teaching connection with, and some might be dear
friends who need to know this (and you are welcome to share this with
anyone I know who would want to know) and some of you are family who
already know but I am sending this letter anyway.

Please forgive me if this is too familiar or not familiar enough,
depending on which category you fall. I simply went through my
contacts and visualized all on my list who are not here in Kansas with
me and already know. Anyway, I would have loved to write you all
individually, but...and you know how I dither on, so bear with the
story because there is a beginning, a middle, another beginning,
another middle, and we are still waiting for the end.

I lost 50 lbs without trying to. The PERFECT way to lose weight,
right? Anyway, at my exam I was found to have a mass in my abdomen
area. Which is why I hadn't noticed I had lost 50 lbs. I kept looking
at myself sideways in the mirror and there was this belly. I finally
decided that's what getting old was. BUT it was also why I hadn't
noticed the mass.

My girls finally saw my shoulders and made an appointment. She did the
exam, didn't like the mass, didn't like the weight loss accompanying
the mass, did bloodwork. Scheduled a CT.

The next day there was a "Some good news" email from her. Very, VERY
hyperactive thyroid, unknown until now, don't know how long it had
been going on, but in her opinion, that was a very positive thing
(imagine that!) as it meant hopefully that it was not a malignancy
weight loss situation but a thyroid weight loss situation. I remember
thinking, as I read her email, that my mom would be so proud, because
I had NEVER had an 'overactive' anything! (Those of you who knew me in
college better shut-the-hell-up, my aunt and uncle and daddy are also
reading this email!)

CT got cancelled so they could deal with the thyroid which had to be
irradiated and they couldn't do the CT before the thyroid...something
about the iodine. Which also meant two days at home alone. When Rob
picked me up from that appointment, I found him in the car with his
neck totally encased in three layers of aluminum foil and a huge wad
in the shape of a triangle on his crotch. I LAUGHED ALL THE WAY HOME!
Instead of the CT I had a sonogram. To quote the techie, "Wow! This
thing is BIG!"

Following that was an appointment back with my doc. She broke it to me
that because of the mass and a high CA125 test, which I didn't realize
she had ordered, that I had Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer. One day before
Thanksgiving was this news. We did have a great Thanksgiving as it was
the first time since college started that we had all been home at the
same time and no one had any fights at the dinner table.

My doc made an appointment at KUMed (University of Kansas Medical
Center) because they have a GYN oncologist and Topeka didn't. It
snowed 7 inches the day before the hour drive but the roads were OK,
and off we went. I hate driving in the snow so much, that when I saw
how much we had I told my principal not to worry about my outcome,
that I would have a heart attack before even getting there.

To sum up, the visit was great. There are still many things to worry
and pray about, but the specialist did not think that it looked like
OC. We are hoping she is correct. There is still the mass to worry
about and I willl have, hopefully an outcome worthy of a National
Enquirer article, "Topeka woman has a "Wow, this is BIG!" mass removed
and no one EVEN saw it coming!" article.

It could be a fiboid gone wild (our choice). It could be worse. It
could still be what my original doc thought first.

So, Pre-OP Monday in KC with 5 inches of snow expected Saturday ending
Sunday. Don't worry, I'll probably have a heart attack before even
getting there! Surgery will be Wednesday WITH a Hysterectomy that I
begged for 15 years ago. See, dreams do come true you just have to
wait a while.

Please keep Rob and especially my kids in your prayers. Those of you
who know me and how hard it was for me to lose my mom while I was only
35...I am truly not thinking of ME when I say I don't want my kids to
go through that at 18 and 23. Heck, most of them have just now started
talking to me after I was so 'unreasonable' all through high school.
Bekah, she's 23, we've been talking for quite a while!

I love you all, in so many different ways.

"There are many ways to say I love you. There are many ways to say I
care about you. Many ways. Many ways. Many ways, to say, I love you."
Mr. Rogers

"As my Uncle, Santanna Rosannadanna used to say, "Rosanne
Rosannadanna, It just goes to show you. It's always sometihing. If
it's not one thing it's another."
Gilda Radner/Rosanne Rosannadanna

Please feel free to write if you want to but I don't know when I'll
get back to answer. Please don't call right now, the kids will be home
from college tomorrow and I have things to do. Rob has made a blogger
account which you can check what's new. For now, that can keep you
updated, and I'll hopefully be able to talk to you soon.

Pray for us anyway, but especially on Wednesday and after.
Love, Blake


Friday, December 09, 2005

I'm grumpy and I don't care!

*** WARNING*** I mean no disrespect to anyone and there are of course exceptions. Please read with caution as this is has not been sensored. ***WARNING***

When Friday and Saturday nights rolls around, I can pretty much tell you where I will be. It has been the same routine for over the past year. Both my parents can tell you because we used to joke about it. Now I feel like it is a little out of control.

Although, I must say, I have been lucky recently and I have gotten to stay home at least one night out of the weekend. Last weekend I got both nights to do whatever I wanted! And then we got "spoken to" about it and how James never called when he said he would. Bite me!

I'm the one who likes being social so usually I can go with the flow. James on the other hand, works A LOT. He doesn't want to go out and blow money and hang out with strangers and stay up late. He wants to sit on his...buns... and veg out. I understand that but sometimes it gets old. I just want him, to want to do something other than letting other people tell him what to do all the time. I just want him to make his own decisions and not let those people make him feel bad about it. I've talked to him about it and he understands why I get so upset sometimes.

I want my own friends!

I feel that ever since I moved to Kansas, I haven't put enough energy into the relationships that I should have. I poured too much energy into the relationships I knew would never work out. I'm not very "girly" but every once and a while I wish I had a female friend to hang out with. Women just bring something to a friendship that a husband can't. I think that is important to have.

I love hanging out with my boss. She's the same age as the other friends I have. Yet I still can't spill my guts about EVERYTHING because I work for her. (I've already tested the waters there and that didn't go to well.) How pathetic I feel sometimes having to beg her to go scrapbook (crop) with me? She has her own friends to do that with!

I can't wait to move to Lawrence. I don't know what I am hoping to find there. Exceptance maybe. I feel like when I go to Lawrence, I don't stand out as much...I fit in. No body cares that my armpits are all hairy or that when I go swimming I haven't shaved my legs since it was warm. No one even looks at me!

I am so tired of feeling like most of the friendships I still have only rely on me to keep them. It gets old being the only one to call, the only one to try and arrange get-togethers, and the only one to drive the hour to do anything. I am giving up and feeling like it's not worth it.

I have a few frienships that are built on distance. Those friendshps will never fade, they are deep rooted and have stood the tests of time (how cliche)!

Here's another thing. I am ready to move to Alaska and disown some family members. Not my immediate family but I don't want to point fingers. The harder I try to please people the more they make James and I feel bad about not seeing them and spending time with them ENOUGH. AHHHHHH!!!! It makes me furious. What about me and my time? I go through my week, waiting for Sunday to come around so I can be with my husband. I try SO hard and it's just like a snowball getting bigger and bigger. The harder I try, the more they nag. And I think, "When is the last time you came to see me?" In some cases I can say NEVER. In other cases, I can say twice. I wonder does anyone stop to think how hard it is for James and I going from being together EVERY single day to seeing each other in small chuncks of time through out the week. Well in case you were wondering, its hard and there is not much we can do about it right now...so back off! I just don't think a lot of couples enjoy being together as much as we do so of course they probably don't think about it. Or they think that being together and being with other people should be enough. Well it's not...especially when you can't be yourself and have to walk on pins and needles trying not to offend anyone.

Ok, so I'm a little lonely. Looking back at what I have written so far...I don't appreciate the family I have enough and I long for the things I don't have.

That's enough. I'm through. I hope you aren't exhausted having read this. If you know anyone who is interested, I am currently taking applications for friends!

On another note, I had to stop in Lawrence on Wednesday night because of the weather. I stayed in my sister's dorm room and slept on the cold, hard floor (by choice...I didn't want to sleep on the top bunk with her and risk one of us falling off). I had such a good time. I got to TALK with my sister, which doesn't happen a lot. I feel so old sometimes but no one even noticed that I might be older. It was kind of a neat feeling although I found most of the drunk freshman running around to be pretty obnoxious! I never had the college dorm experience so I got to experience it in a few short hours! It was fun but I probably didn't miss out on anything!

Ok, now I am really done this time!

Monday, December 05, 2005

My sister

I am so fond of my brother and sister. No matter how many times they piss me off, I always forget so quickly and think so fondly of them. I love them both to pieces. I wish I could spend more time with them.

I saw my sister tonight. I had mentioned to Elizabeth that maybe my sister could meet up with us today when we were in Lawrence. All day Elizabeth said, " When are we going to see your friend." We packed our towels to go swimming and she packed an extra towel, for "my friend." After awhile it turned into, " What is your frien...your sister doing?" "When are we going to see Hannah?"

I had already told Hannah, we didn't have to meet up since she was studying for a big test. But Elizabeth just kept on going. On and on she asked about Hannah.

She had never met Hannah before but she had talked to her once or twice and she knew Hannah was the one that had told us to build our fort.

We had spent the whole day in Lawrence and were tired and hungry when we pulled into the KU residence area. We had to part far away since the parking lots were full. We had picked up some ice cream for her so we were stuck going to visit.

Anyone who has kids or has been around kids knows, a blocks ends up feeling like a mile...especially when it's cold and especially when you aren't using a stroller (which I rarely do.)

We got there and Sammi started being bashful after an entire day of saying hi to EVERY single person we saw! Elizabeth got very quiet too. There were students everywhere. The girls were exhausted and you could tell.

Hannah just started in talking to them. Sammi too. She just started talking to them like they were all grown up. We rode the elevator up to Hannah's room and everyone we saw commented on how cute they were. I am sure they don't get many kids walking through the halls at the dorm.

We got to Hannah's room and I put Sammi on the floor, expecting her to cry. She didn't. After 5 minutes they were settled in. They laughed, danced and talked up a storm.

I am so impressed at my sister. I always have thought I was good with kids but Hannah has more of a nack at it than I do. I always call her for advice and she always has the answers. When it comes to kid, there is a forty year old woman in there. She really has to be a teacher or something.

Hannah was so good with the girls and they loved her. She was fun and playful but talked to them like adults. She talked to Sammi like she was just going to start spouting out sentences. She took Sammi's slipper, tried it on and asked Sammi if she could have it.

It was a very rewarding trip. I'm going to have to follow Hannah where ever she goes when I have kids of my own so they get to hang out with cool Aunt Hannah. (Kind of like Aunt Anne was to us!) Anyway, it was a great visit! On the way home, Elizabeth was already talking about the next time we go see Hannah.