Thursday, April 28, 2005

It has been brought to my attention that based on my last entry, it may sound like I am just complaining about my job. I love my job. The problem is that I work 10 hour days with a 45 minute drive at either end. My days, while they are mostly easy going, they are very long.

I put a ton of energy into those kids.

That's enough...I just wanted to clarify about the long days.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The moral is...the world doesn't understand me.

I feel myself slipping into a funk. Everyday I start off in a good mood and sure enough I slip right back into being irritated by the time I get to work. I can't believe I am burt out already.

Maybe it is a sign, but recenly I have been surrounded by talk of life when you are older. I made a comment last week about how I didn't understand why people worked their lives away. A comment was made back, " People work hard so they don't have to worry about other people taking care of them when they are older."

Then I find out that the people I work for are planning on retiring in four years. Theya re so young and they are going to have things figured out finacially and medically for the rest of their lives. Not to mention that they are going to be there for their kids who will be 5 and 11. They have sacrificed themselves for 20+ years so they could have that luxury.

I feel kind of trapped right now. Trapped by a world that I don't feel understand me. I don't want to work my days away, especially when I know that my husband might not be here tommorow. There is nothing to assure that any of us will be here tommorow.

I loved spending my days on the road with James. Now I spend about three hours awake with him during the week. Those three hours I can hardly give him my attention. Ususally, I cook dinner since I seem to have a tiny bit more energy that he does at the end of the day. Then I just want to sit and zone out. I can hardly concentrate to hear his stories.

The people I work for act like they understand but I don't feel like they do. They haven't made choices that keep them together during the day. They still hardly see each other and I know they love each other but that is the choice they have made. Plus they have kids at the end of the day to complicate matters. After 20 years they are used to working all the time.

I can't be away from James this much. It is pathetic and horribly romantic but it is what it is I suppose. I know James is feeling the same way but he goes to work later than I do and comes home earlier. I can work all day, no problem, if I have James by my side.

I have enough of a concience to tell me that my actions directly effect other people's feelings and lives. I have a great job with great perks and down time. It's just not the right perks for me, I think. The bottmo line is, I want to be with James. I am living for the end of the day when I can see him and the weekend when we run around doing things for other people.

I know I can't walk out on these kids. I am really fortunate to have this family in my life. It just isn't right for me, I don't think.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

The moral is...I don't really want to have one but my dad will give me a hard time if I don't. Just read it!

I don't think I realized how long it has been since I have written. I've been going through a lot recently and I find great comfort in my journal. Let's see if we can transfer some of that to my blog!

My job is going great! I had a very frustrating week last week. I had just had an entire week off, paid, and was returning to work and having to deal with the grandparents being there. At first it wasn't too bad. But then grandma was finding extra work for me to do. I couldn't figure out how to tell her that these jobs she was having me do weren't my job. I kept it inside I just did what was asked of me. I felt that after a week off I should try to help out as mush as I could.

The extra jobs were taking up my time that I got to rest or do what I wanted to do while the baby was sleeping. I was exhausted all week! By Thursday, I was angry and thinking about looking for another job.

Being frustrated with grandma was making me think about all the dumb things that I was already a tiny bit irrated about. I don't come from a military background so it is hard for me to understand the people I work for sometimes.

I was dissapointed early in the week after a conversation with the wife. She had previously told me that I was invited to her son's birthday party. They would love to have me but I didn't have to go. Monday, it had turned it to, " Just plan on being there. I need the extra adult." Oh thank you so much. At that point, I would have prefered to be asked instead of told.

Everything is like that though. While I know they are great people and don't mean to hurt my feelings it upsets me sometimes. I think it is just what they are used to, being in the military. I know that I work for them so I should expect to be told what to do and that is fine. I guess, the problem I am having is that I chose to work for them over other, better paying, better hour nanny jobs because they were looking for someone to be apart of their family.

Maybe other families work differently but in my family we ask people to do things even if it should be demanded. It makes me feel so distant when they talk to me like that. It just makes me feel like the little 6.50/hour employee that I am instead of the caretaker of their children.

Then that gets me thinking. I could be making more money going back to my old job at the coffee shop and be done everyday but 1 o'clock and I wouldn't have to work 10 hour days. The wife doesn't understand because she is used to working 10 or 12 hour days just because that is the way it is. I on the other hand make 6.50/hour and left the coffee shop making more than that plus tips. Of course, I could bnever sit down at the coffee shop either. There are great things about being a nanny that can't be weighed my money but they have a lot of value. It just gets hard to realize when your frustrated and burnt out at the end of the week.

Which brings me to the biggest news of all, that hasn't helped my job situation any. Last Friday, my mom made a call to a woman that could quite possibly be my birthmother. I didn't prepare myself for the possible outcome because I didn't want to get my hopes up.

It was her and we have been e-mailing back and forth like crazy. however, I am tired pf writting so I'll have to save that for another day! Tune in again next time for the EXCITING LIFE OF BEKAH!