Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The moral is...the world doesn't understand me.

I feel myself slipping into a funk. Everyday I start off in a good mood and sure enough I slip right back into being irritated by the time I get to work. I can't believe I am burt out already.

Maybe it is a sign, but recenly I have been surrounded by talk of life when you are older. I made a comment last week about how I didn't understand why people worked their lives away. A comment was made back, " People work hard so they don't have to worry about other people taking care of them when they are older."

Then I find out that the people I work for are planning on retiring in four years. Theya re so young and they are going to have things figured out finacially and medically for the rest of their lives. Not to mention that they are going to be there for their kids who will be 5 and 11. They have sacrificed themselves for 20+ years so they could have that luxury.

I feel kind of trapped right now. Trapped by a world that I don't feel understand me. I don't want to work my days away, especially when I know that my husband might not be here tommorow. There is nothing to assure that any of us will be here tommorow.

I loved spending my days on the road with James. Now I spend about three hours awake with him during the week. Those three hours I can hardly give him my attention. Ususally, I cook dinner since I seem to have a tiny bit more energy that he does at the end of the day. Then I just want to sit and zone out. I can hardly concentrate to hear his stories.

The people I work for act like they understand but I don't feel like they do. They haven't made choices that keep them together during the day. They still hardly see each other and I know they love each other but that is the choice they have made. Plus they have kids at the end of the day to complicate matters. After 20 years they are used to working all the time.

I can't be away from James this much. It is pathetic and horribly romantic but it is what it is I suppose. I know James is feeling the same way but he goes to work later than I do and comes home earlier. I can work all day, no problem, if I have James by my side.

I have enough of a concience to tell me that my actions directly effect other people's feelings and lives. I have a great job with great perks and down time. It's just not the right perks for me, I think. The bottmo line is, I want to be with James. I am living for the end of the day when I can see him and the weekend when we run around doing things for other people.

I know I can't walk out on these kids. I am really fortunate to have this family in my life. It just isn't right for me, I don't think.

No comments: