My Life with Ollie

how to start an overwhelming project

2011-10-26T15:08:00.000-05:00

i'm reading a book, my aunt sent me with a beautiful hand made quilt for ollie. Operating Instructions; A Journal of My Son's First Year by Anne Lamott. the story if of another single mama (an only parent), who talks about her struggles into motherhood and the joy her son brings to her world. her story hits very close to home.

she tells a story about her nine or ten year old older brother who had a research paper do on birds. it was the night before and he hadn't started it. he had tons of books on birds and everything he needed to do the work. but he was too overwhelmed.

she says,"And I remember my dad sitting down with him at the dining table and putting his hands sternly on my brother's shoulders and saying quietly, patiently, 'Bird by bird, buddy; just take it bird by bird.' That is maybe the best writing advice I have ever heard."

i think that's really good advice for getting started on anything that's overwhelming. today, just take one teeny tiny step toward a project you've been wanting to start.

what we've been up to?

2011-09-21T13:35:00.001-05:00

this post is in response to all the dear people who are trying to keep up with where we are going and what we have been up to.

since ollie was born, we haven't had a permanent home. i have been housesitting, nannying and playing music for income and housing. my relationship to money has changed as my main intention is to raise my child and live an abundant life. i am ready to find a spot to nest into but am not quite sure where that is yet.

life is changing rapidly. i recently said goodbye to an awesome band i was in called, the smile high club. people loved us and i am sad to see it end. i am being genuine when i say, i have entered into motherhood and my priorities have shifted. i thought i would go far with the smile high club but the truth of the matter is, i will always choose meeting the needs of my child, over meeting the needs of a band (although i strive to do both). i remember being pregnant and hearing someone say that having a baby can ruin a band. ;) i guess i just need to be in a band with other mamas and papas!

i am really happy to be where i am at with my music. i have been working hard, devoting more time to being more self sufficient and stepping out on my own. it's always a struggle for me to stand alone on stage but i am getting better at it. with the encouragement of my friends, i played stage 7 twice at "winfield," the walnut valley bluegrass festival. it felt really good to except the opportunities as they presented themselves.

this week, i am home at my parent's house this week, unpacking bags, repacking bags, playing gigs, trying to see all the people i love, and organizing work.

people are enthusiastic in their support to help me move my music forward. i assure you, i am in the process of making music available to you. there are three ways you can help:

1) tell someone about my music. introduce me to someone or a venue that might be a good fit for me.

2) send me your email address so i can notify you when music is available.

3) financial support is always welcome and greatly appreciated. hosting house concerts and hosting us in your home as we travel to gigs is a great way to do this.

next week, we head to boulder to meet with families who are looking for specialized childcare. i'll also be doing work with a company called buff notes. the baby starred in his first buff notes video. you can find it here. email me for the link to the special gansta version!

another cell phone update

2011-09-09T23:51:00.000-05:00

i bought a go phone. for those of you who haven't been reading my posts, i no longer have a traditional cell phone but instead am using a combination of an old iphone, skype and google voice to replace having a cell phone service.

the first time i realized that i needed an alternative to my skype/gvoice set up was when i left my baby for a few hours to hear a band play. i nursed him, headed out and returned exactly three hours later. he was absolutely fine but he had woken up thirty minutes before i came home and was hungry. the person who was caring for him had no way to get a hold of me and was frustrated by the situation. i don't leave my baby often but i want to continue to work as a musician and recognize that there will be times that i need to leave him at night. the choice to get a go phone, just puts my mind (as well as the sitter's) at ease so i know i can be reached if need be.

google voice is such an awesome service. i have added my go phone # to my list of phones on google voice. when i decide to use the go phone, i simply forward my calls and get all my calls and texts messages. this elliminates the need to give anyone a secondary number for me.

on a seperate note, i recently realized that i CAN receive incoming calls. i just need to have gmail open on the computer and i can answer. until recently, i assumed i could not receive calls since i typically run google voice on the old iphone. it's still a bummer that i can answer on the iphone but i get the messages quickly and can return calls easily when i am near the phone.

the go phone i chose to buy was $40, which included $15 worth of use. i decided on the $2/day plan that allows me only to be charged on the days i use it. despite the additional cost, i still feel that my non-conventional cell phone set up is way more affordable than any phone plan that i would be locked into with any cell phone company.

to work or not to work?

2011-07-28T12:55:00.001-05:00

what i want more than anything in the world is to be with my son. i have waited a long time to be with him and to be a mother. i have been well trained through my work as a waldorf teacher and a nanny. i'm good at what i do and i am so exciting to be applying what i know to my time with ollie.

since embarking on my journey into motherhood, i've learned so much from the other mothers. i've heard countless stories of the struggles women have regarding their choices to either return to work or stay home with their child(ren). many women are heartbroken and guilt ridden as they leave their six week old baby in the arms of someone else while they return to work. but they feel like they don't have any other choice.

all a baby needs is the love and warmth of their mother. it is my hope to prove that going back to a job isn't the only choice. but i'm really struggling and i can empathize with that choice as i try to figure it out all out for myself.

as ollie's only parent, i try to arrange how can i be his main care provider and provide for us financially. so far, i've only been able to figure out how to survive off very little and to ask for help (something i am not very good at).

as the money swindles down to almost nothing, and with very little work on the horizon, i'm honestly panicked and question if i've made the right choice. i've started applying for "real" jobs. i justify it thinking that if he's in a waldorf daycare then at least he'll be given more of what i want for him and more than i can provide for him on my own. and i truly believe that, but i also think i am the very best person for him to spend his days with at this point.

i'm worn down today emotionally. but i know it will work out. in the meantime, i'm trying to keep myself centered and have faith.

no cell phone update

2011-07-10T00:12:00.001-05:00

july 5, 2011 about 5pm, i am driving to dinner with friends in kansas city when i realize the transfer from at&t to google voice is complete and i have no cell phone. it's a huge relief. it's really nice just to be present with the people i am with and not have to worry about my phone ringing.

the next day, i use the landline where i am housitting to check in with a few people, like my mom. an email from the person that calls and texts the most says, "i don't know about this no phone thing ha ha." she wants to tell me a story and for a moment she feels like i'm not available. we've talked a lot since then. the change hasn't really effected us that greatly, in my opinion.

at this point, it has only been about three days. i've spent some money getting all this set up but i still feel like it's minimal compared to the cost of a cell phone. the first step was to pay google $20 to transfer my number.

google voice assumes i still have a phone of some sort, so i had trouble calling out. i'm sure there is probably a way around that but i haven't figure it out yet. my solution, $8.50 to skype to call anywhere in the US over the next three months (the plan i chose is 2.99/month with a 5% discount for paying for three months at a time). not only can i now call out from my computer but i can also call out using skype on my iphone when it's connected to the internet.

when i call from skype, it showed up as "unknown." i prepaid an additional $10 for skype credit so they could charge me $.23 to send a text message confirming my google voice number, which should now show up on the caller id when i call from skype.

i feel like everything is set up well for me to communicate as i would with a cell phone. so far, so good!

the family plan; "no cell phone" challenge

2011-07-06T10:30:00.000-05:00

my latest project; the "no cell phone" challenge!

it all began when my dad announced that on july 4, 2011, he'd be taking back his independence. like many people, i am on a family plan. it's the cheapest way to have a cell phone and phone companies making it easy to add additional lines at a low cost. what parent wouldn't spend an extra $10 or $20/month to keep in contact with their child? dad loves helping us out and always will when he has the opportunity. but there is no reason for him to still be paying for his 25 and 29 year old children every month.

in this new chapter with ollie, i operate on very little money and $30-50/month for a cell phone is not worth it to me. i am giving more value to living an abundant life and having great adventures with oliver. (and let's be honest here...i need that money to feed my serious coffee addiction)

it is my hope that by not having a cell phone, i will become a more efficient communicator and i will spend more quality time with the people i love. i have transferred my number to google voice which gives me a lot of different options to staying connected with people. i have an iphone which will now function as an ipod. when connected to a wireless network, i will be able to access my email (which will now include google voice). i feel that it won't be that difficult to stay connected to people. there are wireless networks everywhere these days. in addition, there is also skype, which i can use on my computer and iphone.

since cell phones can make 911 calls without cell phone service, i have even less need to worry. everybody has an old cell phone lying around. i figure i can keep a charged cell phone in the car or my diaper bag for true emergencies.

my service just got cut off last night but already i feel great about it. i'm excited to see what challenges come up. i'm just going to figure it out as i go!

housesitting

2011-06-14T01:30:00.000-05:00

when ollie was eleven days old, we began moving across town. i had planned to move shortly after he was born but this move came about two months sooner than expected. it was extremely challenging and i was not in a state to arrange for enough help to make the transition.

the new space is borrowed from a family i nanny for. i feel a lot of gratitude for having such and incredible home to introduce my son to the world. it is so beautiful and magical here. i sometimes feel like i'm on vacation.

the house is still and quiet. typically, it houses a family of six and a very active household. i love the energy of the people and activities that fill it. i lay on the floor yesterday enjoying a quiet, peaceful moment with ollie thinking about the time that grant and a very pregnant version of me, sat in this very room at "mardi gras in kansas" practice. the room was vibrant with a large amount of brass instruments and noise makers. a major contrast to the wonderfully quiet days we have been enjoying.

i am always conscious that i am a visitor here and i am very respectful. i spent a lot of time in this house during my pregnancy. the one room i had never been in was the recording studio. i have stationed my "bedroom" there and it feels like my own for a little while.

i have been creative with how i have utilized the room. i made a make shift closet out of some things i had. i have arranged a little "nursery" for ollie with a beautiful cradle, changing area, clothes and a winni the pooh lamp i had as a child. the sunlight pours in from the skylight and the room is full of bright colors. i feel very fortunate.

two sides/step back

2011-02-08T00:36:00.000-06:00

there are two sides to everything. every person comes with their individualized experiences and we try to compare them. it interests me that two people can go through the same experience and have two wildly different view points on how it went.

if you start resolving conflict by just considering that fact, it's a lot easier to get over holding onto the anger. my experience is that anger seems to stem from a feeling of not being heard; by something unjust; feeling misunderstood. it's good to start with listening and trying to understand what the other person is trying to express to you. there needs to be a willingness to let go of the hurt and move forward in love and happiness.

but it doesn't just apply to conflict. seeing the different viewpoints to any experience can open you up to a lot of learning opportunities. it's nice to step back and reflect. to look at things from as many angles as possible.

perspective

2011-01-22T23:16:00.000-06:00

not long ago, i heard someone speak about how sometimes exactly what we need are the challenges that are already laid out in front of us. i feel like i have had quite a few challenges dealt to me over the last few years. what i find repeatedly is that i am exactly where i need to be.

i've just entered my third trimester. it's easy to be panicked about this new life as a single mom. people throw all sorts of questions at you. there is a look of worry in people's eyes as they ask, what are you going to do?

i have a choice. i can freak out about my so-called "situation." if i am truely honest with myself, i know that this is a journey i was meant to take alone. i choose to have faith. i know that everything i need will be provided for me. i focus on the things in my life i am gratefulful for. so many oppurtunities have opened up for me and i know that this is just the begining.

i have been gifted so much time working with other people's children. i know that no amount of money will make a difference while raising my son. it's all about love. that is the one thing i have plenty to give.

i observe so many people, going with the flow, following the path that others expect from them and they never seem satisfied. i can relate...i used to live like that. sometimes i still do. it's hard not to.

it is my hope, that by starting to blog again that i can inspire just one person to take control of their life and live it abundantly. i am really excited to be entering into motherhood. although many people around me except this joyously for me, because they know this is a perfect fit, it also continues to be a struggle. so many people view what i am going through as something negative. i view it as incredible and joyous!

solitude

2011-01-10T09:25:00.000-06:00

i woke up this morning to the 6am phone call. i suspected this meant that my household was having a snow day. i had gone to bed early last night and i wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep. my head was spinning with all the reasons why i wished i had the quiet house to myself today. which is really ridiculous because i live in the most respectful, loving house with some of my favorite people in the world.

why is it so important to me to be alone? there is a freedom i find in my solitude. i can be my purest self in each moment without any sensors. my guard can be down. what i am learning, having had to give up my own space and live in community with others, is how i can find that solitude and space within the collective.

it's really hard for me to cut loose and feel free to be myself all the time. but i strive to do that. finding that solitude and authenticity helps me be a better musician. i can sing more freely. i can cut loose easier on stage in front of a crowd of strangers. it makes me a better dancer. i can let my body free to explore the depths of the space around me.

i found my solitude this morning while everyone was still sleeping. i bundled up in all my warm snow gear, a spandex belly band holding up my snow pants and walked out into the dark morning. it was incredible. the world was so quiet and still. i was the first one out on the blanket white sidewalks. i question, if i was still living alone, would i have found the motivation at 6:30am to take that walk that was so good for me?

in conclusion, i found just what i needed this morning and enjoyed every minute of it. recognizing that baby will be here soon and these moments are fleeting.

An Inconvenient Truth

2008-07-16T10:44:00.002-05:00

Waldorf classroom

2008-07-12T11:12:00.001-05:00

May 2008 140
Originally uploaded by Bekah267

An example of what our classrooms look like!

May Fest

2008-06-22T18:40:00.001-05:00

MVI_0229
Originally uploaded by robz431

James, Drew and I played at Prairie Moon School's May Festival!

Waldorf

2008-05-10T10:28:00.004-05:00

It was brought to my attention that I should probably be blogging about the ever changing world I am living in. In October, 2008 I put in my notice with the family I had been nannying for almost 2.5 years. A lot went into that decision but I knew in my heart it was time to go. It was a hard and very sad decision to make.

By December, they had found my replacement. I was babysitting for another family closer to home, who agreed to help make up some of the hours I was losing to help with the transition. I was picking up the children from their school out in the country north of Lawrence. A day or two after this change, a position opened up at their school and I applied. As I had been hoping for some down time, I found the timing of all of this to be extremely poor. I applied anyway.

It was about a month later when I started as the assistant in the early childhood classroom. This decision began an incredible journey both physically and spiritually. Waldorf Education is an amazing type of education that I believe all children should be able to benefit from. In the meantime, it is only offered at expensive private school. But it is worth every penny.

Currently, I am looking into beginning Lifeways training (for early childhood educators, day care providers and nannies) and then I will probably start my Masters in Waldorf Early Childhood Education.

More on this later...

Walnut Valley Bluegrass Festival

2007-10-01T08:09:00.000-05:00

I was excited but a little apprehensive about going this year. The last time I went was 5 years ago. James and I had just gotten engaged after dating for 4 months and we were off to camp with my dad for the weekend. This time, James and I decided to go for the full 5 day festival.

My friend from my band, Doug, had set us up with a group he knew. We didn't know anybody but being invited to be apart of the group was a big deal. This meant someone held a tent site for us, saved a parking spot and communal meals meant not having to pack much food!

When night came, our camp was a prime area for all night jam sessions.

By day, our campsite was calm and relaxing. Or rather everyone was trying to cure their hangovers so they could start fresh by nightfall!

We heard some really great bands. There are mainstages where the bigger artists play. We saw The Greencards a time or two but the best music were on the stages in the campgrounds.

My band got in some good practice time and I even managed to fight may way to get a spot on stage 7, despite how sick I was! I was so ready to go home early. Having the opportunity to play stage 7 meant abandoning all sense of reason! I had had a fever all morning, I didn't have enough clothes to keep warm and the weather was cold and yucky. By the evening when it came our turn to play, the sun was coming out and we were glowing!

To Uncle Charlie

2007-08-25T11:04:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to figure out how to insert pictures into my gmail messages so I thought I would roll with this to give you a visual update on my new place. I haven't updated my blog since September 2006 so no one else may see this but if they do, they'll get to see how special you are that you get you own blog entry to read! Super Cool!

This is the entry way. We live in a huge old house in the historic area of downtown Lawrence. However, it is split into two apartments, which is actually a real luxury because most of the old houses have been split into at least four apartments. So, this is a picture of James helping move the washer/dryer unit up the stairs which gets narrower it goes up!

This is the hallway at the top of those stairs.

The living room (and my dear friend Julie)!

The bathroom...it won't be purple for long!

Hannah cleaning our kitchen.

James in the living room after we crammed everything into the apartment from our old apartment and from my parent's house. I'm officially moved out of my parents house...how grown up!

Hannah and Blue in my new bedroom!

Galen, showin off his guns in my room!

I guess it's only fair to show off Hannah's muscles too!

Now this is where it get exciting. Even though it is a rental property, we are settling down in this space for a while and the landlord has given us the ok for us to fix up the place...which we ARE! It was left in pretty bad shape but the girl who lived there before had fixed it up from where it was before she moved in. We are trying to do it right and repair EVERYTHING that is damaged are broken. The walls are plaster which makes things challenging!

These pictures are of the second bedroom which is already complete and beatiful but unfortunately I don't have any pictures yet. We are going to use this as our project room for art, music, etc.

Check out that hair!!!

This is mom and dad when they came to help out...we decided margaritas sounded more appealing. I always end up with a hangover after I go out with them!

And lastly, here is Blue out on the front porch. You can't really get a sense for how nice it is but that is all I have uploaded to far.

Hope you enjoyed this little journey...stay tuned and the story unfolds!

Google videos

2006-09-02T19:46:00.000-05:00

I've taken small videos wih my camera off and on for a while. I finally figured out how I can post them so everyone can see them. There isn't any sound but they are kind of neat to watch if you like that sort of thing. Enjoy!

The moral is...don't quit your day job!

2006-08-29T21:50:00.000-05:00

Ok folks, here is a link to a competition my band is in. I just heard these songs a few moments ago. I have a LOT to say but I want everyone's opinions first. I am not writting what I think until I get a decent response. I am not fishing for compliments and my feelings won't be hurt. I want honest responses no matter what that may be. We all like different types of music so I expect a wide range of responses.

Click here!

Thanks for your help!

2006-07-09T20:05:00.000-05:00

Why we didn't move to Lawrence sooner...I will never know. I'm just glad we are finally here. Even my sister admitted to me finally how much she enjoys Lawrence too. It's just to bad it's so hard to find work here. James is really lucky to have landed the job he did...not to mention he has a fun time working there.

I could go on and on about the reasons I love Lawrence but for now I will just focus on the last few days.

James and I haven't seen very much of each other in a while. The more we are apart, the more we strain we have on our relationship. Things have been so busy for me, it has beed hard to try and be on the same track as a couple. It's so hard too because, every spare second we have had together, there is someone begging to see us or making us feel bad about not being around. We usually give in since we feel bad and forget to take time together. Thank goodness our time off was in the middle of the week. Everyone just assumed we were working and our phones barely even rang...it was wonderful!

After a wonderful day on Wednesday with my girls, we packed up and head out South about 10 miles out of Lawrence to Lake Lone Star. James had suprised me by renting a canoe. Oh, a big important thing I forgot to mention. James' parents gave a truck a few weeks ago and we are using to it's full potential. We have wanted a truck for a long time and now we are just in heaven. So James strapped the canoe to the top of the truck and off we went.

We got there as soon as we could after work and set up camp. We couldn't wait to get the canoe in the water so we found a loading dock and strolled around the lake until sunset.

It was so nice to be so close to home yet so far away from the caos we have been swimming in for awhile.

We woke up the next morning and went canoeing again while it was still cool. There were very few people on the water. We had the lake all to ourselves. We got back to Lawrence, returned the canoe back to Anderson Rental (who we will try to never use again because they were SO rude. Not for any reason...the owner's daughter just had horrible customer service skills and over charged us because one of HER employees messed up). We we on our way home to relax at 11am.

Friday we got up and threw our bikes in the back of the truck. James found the 9 mile loop of maintained Mountain bike trail along the river and we did about 4 miles.

Friday night James and I parted ways. He went to work and I went to Topeka to hang out with my dad. My friend Matt was playing at a place in downtown Topeka. We went to hear Matt and the minute we walked in the door, he took a break. We have wonderful timing. So we hung out and drank beer. Thank goodness I had been drinking 'cause Matt asked me to sng with him on a duet he had written. I agreed but tha was something I wouldn't have done normally. I NEVER sing on the spot but it was Matt, and we had rehearsed that tune many times, even if I hadn't done it in a while. Being put on the spot, I felt akward and I think you could tell. I didn't sing great but I didn't sing horribly either.

Saturday we got a late start but wanted to try the trails again. We were tired and sore from the day before so we were planning on keeping the ride light. No such luck...we ended up doing the entire 9 mile ride...which ends up being 10 miles to where we parked. We didn't mean to do the entire thing but long story short, we did. We could barely keep going on the last leg of our ride. We survived and had a amazing time.

Saturday after we got back from our ride at about 2pm, we went over to see a rental property that someone told us about. We love our apartment but it is a little small and we both agreed that should we find something downtown that was in a similar price range and unique, we would consider it. The lady who rents there now needs something cheaper so we may just switch place. That would be SO nice if it were that easy. So we are considering moving again. This place is one of a kind. Not much bigger than our current place but it has a loft upstairs for the bedroom. Nothing is for sure...we are just thinking about it. Some extra space would be nice.

After that my dad brought his out of town guests to Lawrence and we walked around and drank coffee and ate yummy food! It was a good time, although, all we could think about was getting our tire bodies back to the couch. But at least we didn't have to drive to Topeka for once so we were happy!!!

Pictures

2006-06-29T18:48:00.000-05:00

Check out pictures of my buddies from Crimes of the Heart!

http://washburn.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2009491&l=b3f3c&id=58802591

P.S. I am trying yo get a good blog entry in soon. I have been spending every spare minute, literally, trying to catch up in my class that ended today. That means 5 weeks of work in 36 hours...AHHHHH!!! I hate being a grown up. Contratulations to all the grown ups who have children and still manage to get through school. I am sleep deprived enough as it is. I can't imagine trying to do this with children!

Thinking...

2006-06-14T23:17:00.000-05:00

Last week, a friend of mine wrote me a letter concerning my blog entry June 9th. Naturally, you may be quick to assume that the second entry that day was due to this letter. I will admit that it certainly was brought on by that moment but it has been something I have wanted to write about it for a while. Please, if you have a comment to make about something I write, leave a comment or if it's privite, send me an email. I just don't do well with putting my feelings out there and then having everyone ask about it. If I wanted to take the time to talk about it, we would have discussed it already.

This friend made some really good points. I have re-read and re-read the letter. Trying to figure out what I was so upset about and what I can learn from this experience. Being a great writer and an intellegent, mature person, he said some things that struck me.

Like I said before, I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. But the one thing he said was that, hypothetically speaking, people could base conclusions about people based on what I had written about the cast members.

Since I didn't use names, I figured I was safe in saying how I felt about things. Then a person, familiar with the show made a comment about what I had written and there was some misunderstanding as to who exactly I was talking about and what all had happened. That really wasn't a problem, especially when there was more information provided but it made me think. I know my friend was right in saying conclusions could be made based on what I had written...and now I have been provided proof.

I still don't know what to do about it. Should I simply avoid topics that I feel stongly with? Obviously, talking about people is going to come up every now an again, so what do I do to not piss any body off. Or do I worry about it at all? Maybe I should just deal with challenges as they come up.

My Birthday!

2006-06-13T23:14:00.000-05:00

My birthday has already gotten off to a great start. My mother-in-law took the girls and I out to eat for lunch today. I love that she took the time to deal with the exciting element children bring to an experience. Those girls aren't her family so I wouldn't have expected her to want to deal with it. But those girls are MY family and I was excited she wanted to be with all of us. As if that wasn't enough, she took us to a bead store in Lenexa and gave me a spending limit. I got some really awesome beads! So took care of the girls to make sure I got to look around this store that I was terrified to take Sammi (20 months) into!

Then it gets even better! My boss, is amazing. She is bringing the girls out to Lawrence on Thursday morning for my birthday. That is about the best birthday present ever.

Now the rest of you have alot to live up to! I love to have my birthday made a big deal of but it doesn't have to be about the monetary things. Of course, that's always a bonus but I am still just BLOWN away that my boss is taking the time to bring the girls out. They are such a wonderful family!!! It's so simple and sweet and that's what makes it so special!

Sorry!

2006-06-09T23:01:00.000-05:00

I think my days of on line journaling is about to be over. What the fuck is a blog supposed to be for? (Yeah, I use fowl language...A LOT...so if I do keep writing, you can expect to hear/see more of it.) If you chose to read my blog, you chose to take me and except me for all of who I am. Thank god my mom and dad do! But I can't stand continually hurting people's feelings because I say what is on my mind at that MOMENT. It's a moment and by me getting it out in the open it makes it easier for me to deal with. I get to caught up in the negative stuff and I try and get it out so I can move on and be happy. This public writing isn't working out to well for me. I try to sensor things to make sure I don't hurt anyone's feelings but no matter how vague I keep things, I end up hurting someone's feelings. Someone always wants to know if I meant them. My mom always told me not to write things down if I didn't want people to read it. The paper journal has worked out for me pretty well so far, and I am ok with someone, someday after I die, reading what I wrote. I've fucked up. I've done things I'm not proud of...and I have written about so I can get over it so it doesn't take over my life and bog me down.

Maybe tomorrow I will have something to say about all of this but for now I am sad and upset and TIRED. I am SO tired I can't even stand it.

Crimes of The Heart opens June 16th!!!

2006-06-09T10:17:00.000-05:00

Rehearsals are going much better. I am getting to know my cast mates better which has been exciting and frustrating all at the same time. My biggest frustration on this show is learning my lines. And there are a TON of them. I have a lot of stage time and my character is not a quiet person.

There is one girl in the show who tries to boss me around as if that is going to make me magically learn my lines. I know it is frustrating when someone you are working with constantly has problems remembering their lines but there is not much more I can do about it at this point. I set up extra appointments with people to work on lines, she gets there late, gets distracted by every little thing imaginable, and then has the nerve to tell me how to memorize my lines. After about the 10th distraction, she is confused as to why I insist on leaving and working on it at a different time. Then she tells me obvious information that I already knew as if I don't care and I'm not working hard. She just isn't very respectful to other people's time. It's ALWAYS about her...never about anyone else. God forbid.

We lost one of our main characters to illness and had to replace her. The first replacement, from Lawrence, dropped out too. She had agreed to take me home that day so I was stuck in Topeka. My cast is awesome and just about everyone volunteered to drive me home on their tank of gas. So anyway, we finally got our new cast member a week ago (keep in mind, we open in a week). She is kicking our asses. She has SO many lines memorized, her southern dialect is pretty darn good, and I think she is a cool girl. She is 17 though...you'd never guess it though. She fits in the group well and brings an interesting dynamic to the production.

There are two men in the play. One is 25, and has done a lot in his life. Probably more than I care to know about. He is nice, respectful, polite and always encouraging to other cast members. When I got stuck in Topeka, he offered to take me home on his motorcycle if it scare the shit out of me. I turned him down at the time since going 70 or 80 miles an hour down the highway did scare the crap put of me. I asked for a rain check...something a little bit more calm like a ride around the block! He keeps busy and doesn't share too much about his personal life. As I learn more about him, the more I am intrigued by him. There is much more to be discovered about this gentleman.

The other guy is 19. That's they person I have show with. He confuses the hell out of me. I don't know him super well but from what I have observed, he is very introverted but very passionate about his music. It's almost as if he is so into his music, it make it difficult for him to socialize. He doesn't really say how he feels about anything and he is always ok with everything. We hung out on Wednesday in between rehearsals. Excluding the time I spend with my James, I had more fun with him in just a few hours than I have had in a long time. I just felt really comfortable as if we had been friends for a long time. It's exciting to meet someone I think I could be good friends with. Music is our common ground and it's exciting to me. We worked on one of his songs he had written and now I am even MORE excited about our show. Then yesterday he was acting so strange. He didn't want to hang out because he had a lot of stuff to do. That's understandable. But then at rehearsal he seemed so withdrawn.He was supposed to give me some CDs so I could start working on some songs but then he took off after rehearsal was over. I know he had a headache and it could be as simple as that but then when I called him later to ask him about it I got the "accidental answer." You know, when someone accidentally answers when they meant to hang up and make the phone quite ringing. It's just strange. I am sure I am making something out of nothing. I guess, I just want so badly for this to work out well because I am so excited about our music compatibility. I worry too because he really doesn't need me. I don't really even know if he wants me to play with him. He says he does but for one show only or long term or what. I guess I will just have to see what tomorrow brings.

Then there is my friend from Lawrence who is also in the play. We always seem to be on the same page. We are open and honest about EVERYTHING...maybe a little too open and honest. But it works for us. I am SO grateful to have her in the show. We have known each other a long time but we are just now getting to be GOOD friends. I never imagined we would get along as well as we do. It make sense though...it's one of those situations where we were either going to love or hate each other. The biggest thing I look for in friends is honesty, openness and RESPECT. You wouldn't think it would be that difficult, but it has been for me.

That's all for now, folks!

August 9th

2006-06-05T08:56:00.000-05:00

I just booked my first official gig yesterday. It all kind of happened by accident. Let's back up a few weeks...

I started rehearsals for Crimes of the Heart at WU a few weeks ago. When we got our contact sheet, I went home and looked everyone up on myspace and facebook, cause I'm just nerdy like that. I found the myspace page for a guy named Matt (http://www.myspace.com/mattsteinermusic). I was blown away to not only see that this guy was the same age as my siblings but he was a wonderful musician. I emailed Matt right away and told him that I was in a folk band but we hadn't done all that much yet but we kind of in the same genre as him. We agreed that we would eventually get together and jam.

James' friend from work, books bands for different events. I knew this but hadn't really talked to him much about it. We've talked a lot about my work with the band but I he hadn't offered and I hadn't asked to be booked since neither of us think the band is ready. Plus, he has a reputation to uphold and would only book stuff he was confident would be sucessful. From what I know, he really only book bands he is super familiar with and not often new bands just getting started.

Yesterday , it was pouring so I gave James' friend (well my friend too, but he and James are close),Tom, a ride to work and asked him more about it.

I said, "So, how do you book your bands? Do you book anybody or just your friends, or what?"

He explained that it started out that he would just help his friends book shows but now it has turned into something more. "Are you wanting me to book you?"

I said, " Well, me, eventually. But this I was asking for this guy I know." I discribed Matt and how I had found him. I told him about his music and that I wanted to work with him on some stuff.

Later that afternoon, as we were leaving his house, we were talking music like always. He asked me if I would be interested in singing back up vocals for his roommate. James and I told him that was something I was very stong at and I would love to do it. He listened to two tracks of Matt's and booked both of us to sing together. I was just trying to get Matt booked for something but I wasn't about to turn down my first offical gig. Now that would just be dumb.

But here I am now, about to dive into a new project with someone I barely know and we are performing in two months! Ahh! Our play opens in less than two weeks. Our theater class ends in four and then we will have a whole month to pull together a 45 minute set between the two of us. I'll have to rely heavily on him though because he's plays all the instruments.

Matt is excited about the collaboration, thank goodness. Within the bluegrass/folk genre we are at the opposite ends of the spectrum so I think we will have a really unique sound. We'll see what happens. Now is the rush to see what we can call ourselves. We'll be taking creative suggestions over the next week so Tom can get flyers reprinted with our name and date on it! Yeah!

Ok, so here is the info you need to know. Wednesday, August 9th, 7:30pm at Louise's Upstairs in Lawrence. It's a bar so the show will be 21+. Here is the info I am unclear on...I think it is two dollars if you get there before 7pm and three dollars after 7pm. I hope everyone can make it!

Prom Update

2006-06-05T08:51:00.000-05:00

Prom was an amazing experience. We started our night by meeting some of my band members at the Jackpot, in Lawrence. Listening to the radio on the ride over, we heard that there was a long line of people waiting to get in so we were in no hurry to get to Kansas City.

The Prom started at 6pm or 6:30pm and we didn't even get there until 8:45pm or so...ok, this is never goinging to get finished...

Here is part of a paper I wrote about the concert.

On April 5, 2006, my husband and I got dressed up and went to an Alternative concert that was apart of an event called “Second Chance Prom.” It was sponsored by Kansas City, Alternative radio station, 96.5 The Buzz. The event started at 6pm but the headlining band, The Dresden Dolls, weren’t playing until 10pm. We took our time going out to Kansas City from Lawrence, not really knowing what to expect.

My husband has been a fan of alternative music for a long time. I, on the other hand, only started listening to it as a way to not sing on the long car rides commuting from place to place. I listen to a wide variety of music, usually depending on my current mood! I don’t mind alternative but it isn’t my favorite thing to listen to.
When we arrived to The Madrid Theatre, the setting was your typical prom setting. There where cheesy gold and silver decorations everywhere. The audience was filled with people who looked like they would be “misfits” in high school. There were many people there who looked like they may have been apart of the “in crowd” in high school. It was a strange combination of people. There were people with colored hair and costume outfits. Lots of people proudly wore dark make up, tattoos and odd piercing. Strangely, I felt very comfortable, like I, for once, didn’t stand out in a crowd.

The Dresden Dolls where accompanied by a living statue that stood still for three hours in the main lobby. There opening act was a group of belly dancers. I had only heard a song or two on the radio and was beginning to really wonder what else to expect.

The two members of the ensemble finally came on stage, also dressed in their prom attire. Amanda, composer, vocalist, and pianist wore a green prom dress from the 1980s. The drummer, Brian, also wore a dress from the 1980s but it was quickly removed and he wore a pair of boxers for the remainder of their performance. Based on all the exterior craziness, I imagined we were going to call it an early night.

The piano started softly, in a very repetitive sequence sparked my interest right away. As the song continued, it was very warm, and energetic. Most of their music kind of sounds the same; dark and rich. I have been having a difficult time finding words to describe their music. I heard their style of music referred to as “Punk Cabaret.” Strangely, that kind of makes sense to me but I am not sure why. It reminds me of something you might hear in a Cabaret or Vaudeville performance.

I missed the audience reaction to the artists. Some people sat upstairs on the balcony while others stood up close to the front of the stage. I did both. My eyes were glued to the performers as this passion poured from their very being. I have never seen musicians play as passionately as these two were. Music could have been coming from their pores!

Amanda uses her voice and lyrics like an instrument. Much like the early vocalist of Jazz, she uses the voice in a variety of ways to help add to song. Her words and vocal quality help paint a picture of the emotions she is trying to display. Listening to her songs was (and still is) like hearing a story.

The couple exited the stage at the end of their set. They were gone for what felt like forever. They came back on to play their new single, Sing, a beautifully melodic song with a beautiful message about using music as an instrument for communication. The words, “Just sing!” rang out, followed by a series of notes and tight harmonies that make you want to sing out in agreement! A perfect ending to this wonderful evening!

I went home energized and excited. Well that’s not entirely true because I fell asleep on the way home! The next few days, I craved that experience again. I wanted their music around me all the time. I finally got their old album about a week later and I couldn’t shut it off. This music made me feel. Some songs make me want to dance, while others make me want to cry. The point is that it makes me feel something deeper than most music has ever done for me before.

I don’t know that I would recommend that anyone go out and buy theses albums or go to their concert. I think The Dresden Dolls are amazing and write songs about truth and real issues. With reality, comes issues some people don’t want to hear about. The idea of “out of sight, out of mind” is not a popular theme of this music. This music presents problems as if, just by discussing it, it will make it better. This music is not for the easily offended! I would recommend giving it with an open mind!

The Dresden Dolls are coming back to KC in July. I had my heart set on going but I didn't buy tickets because I didn't have the money. Now they are sold out...grrrr. Maybe I can win tickets again. But at least I can say I had the oppurtnity to see them once!!

Here are some pictures from that night!

I think this will be fun!

2006-05-18T09:06:00.000-05:00

I did one for my friend Josh and I thought it would be fun to see what people think about me. It will either boost my self esteem of I will fall into a great depression. I'm not really that fragile. I am just curious!

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Bekah+Zachritz

I WON ! I WON!

2006-04-03T10:05:00.000-05:00

I FINALLY won tickets to Afentra's Second Chance Prom. I am SO SO SO SO SO excited. Let's not event hink about how I can't really afford the cost associated with going but I am sure I have a friend out there who wants to let me borrow a little extra cash!

Everything you can think of associated to prom, they are going to have. The only difference is that everyone there is going to be 18 or older! They are going to have a photographer with the cheesy background, a prom cover band and everyone has to wear formal attire! I am so excited!

I didn't think I had a chance. First of all, I didn't think they would have many tickets left since the prom is on Wednesday. Then, I started listening super early in the morning and heard that they would be giving away tickets everytime you heard the phrase, "Woo, I'm gassy," Or "I'm gassy, Woo."

I called the second I heard it and it started ringing...she answered and I said, " May I have tickets to the prom, please." "Mmmmm, NO!" Anfentra said! I was so crushed. I was So close to winning my tickets and then there they went becasue I didn't understand the freakin' rules. So I called over and over again throughout the day. Sometimes it was busy and another time it just rang and rang. So then, right at 10am when the show was almost over, I finally got through again! I said, "Woo, I'm gassy!" Now I have my tickets.

Elizabeth had no idea what was going on but she was just as excited as I was. I explained that I wanted to win tickets to go to a dance like the one she had gone to with her dad. She ran around the house jumping up and down saing, " I won! I won!" and "Woo, I'm gassy!" Her mother was thrilled to find out I had taught her 4 year old such a lovely phrase!

Feeling sorry for myself...

2006-04-02T19:46:00.000-05:00

I never want go do stuff I hear advertized on the radio. For some strange reason, I am obsessing about Afentra's Second Chance Prom. I have been trying to win tickets but no such luck yet. Not to worry, even if I did win tickets, none of my formals fit me anymore. Maybe a miracle will happen.

No Work Today!

2006-03-29T08:41:00.000-06:00

My new nanny job is wonderful and aweful all at the same time. I really enjoy the family but I think my decision was tainted by my want of being friends with them. The dad has a horrible temper and we have already started to bump heads. He is great on a social level but I don't think I can work for him.

This situation is very different and I can hardly even call myself a nanny but they need that type of person in their houshold. The youngest child has addition needs that keep them very busy. This draws attention away from their older child's needs. They do a prety good job at keeping a sane household but rules have not been established to help from there being a CONSTANT need for cleaning.

One of the parents is almost always home. That doesn't bother me but it has caused some trouble between all of us as to who is in charge. If the mom was home all the time things would be great. After the first major incident with the dad, my anxiety levels have gone through the roof. I started worring about having to go to work on Wednesday before I had gotten to my first job on Monday morning. By worrying, I mean, horrible butterfly and nausea feeling in my stomach.

I talked to the dad last night and I think, "What's the big deal?" It's not that bad, I like him, he's a good guy. But for some reason, I feel disrespected and almost put down by him.

So to change gears, let's discuss the "title" of this entry. No Work Toay! Oh boy, I needed a day off so I am very greatful. But this gives me even more reason to think tha perhaps this may not work out. I had to call the family this morning to say I had a cold. I'm glad I did call because it's a really serious matter trying to keep the baby healthy. Anytime he gets sick, the damage to his lungs is irreversable. I didn't really understand how seious they were about the germs. My first family I worked for was insane about germs but I still had to go to work.

So I have a cold today. It's really not that bad. I feel kind of yucky but nothing that would keep me from work or school or even going out to play. It's the type of cold we have all had a million times and you just keep going. Not for me. That means no work.

Now, while I NEED a break from work to get school work done, I also NEED to go to work to get paid so I can pay for my bills and my way too expensive car! It will be interesting to see how this will all work out. My guess is that I DON'T get paid. If that is the case, I really need to look at finding another job. I get sick a lot. That's just the fact of the matter. I work with children and we go out and expose ourselves to germs all the time. We wash our hands and try and stay healthy but there is only so much you can do.

So there are really two differnt issues here as to why this may not work out. With the money being a secondary concern, I am not the kind of person to stick with a job that make me UNhappy. I tried that and I only made it four months. I was miserable and my entire life changed. I did things I swore I would never do. I don't ever want to have to go back to that unhappy place again.

I think the hardest part is that there isn't someone right behind me waiting to take my job. It takes a special person to be the right match to the right family and it takes time to find that person.

In my case, it takes time to find the right family. I'm lucky because I do work for the right family and I love them SO much. It's just a shame I can't work for them all the time. But the first big issue is how and what do I say to the newest family to indicate it's not working out for me. I don't want to make them mad or unhappy. I just don't want to get even more attached to thir kids when I don't think it's going to work out.

"A Picture Says A Thousand Words"

2006-03-13T05:51:00.000-06:00

I really don't have time to blog right now but don't forget that there are pictures on flickr.com that I update a lot more frequently. There has been a lot of stuff going on and there are pictures to tell you about it for now. You can check them out at:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/aesopsfables

Dedication to Julie

2006-03-06T19:36:00.000-06:00

I have to keep reminding myself why I started this blog. I started it so friends and family could read about our crazy adventures. Now that we aren't on the road this has become more of a personal journal as it probably was always destin to become. It's just hard when I want to write about things going on in my life and I have to stop and think about who my audience is and then I don't feel like writing anymore. I am tired of sensoring myself. Not like the things I have to say are that horrible but I do have to try hard not to offend anyone. Then I think, if my parents are reading this, than anyone can read it. I feel like my life is somewhat of an open book. I don't like to keep secrets, although I am perfectly capable of keeping them, despite what some of you may think. Ok, so that is just a reminder!

My dear friend Julie just moved away to Oklahoma City. I am a little bit sad but we have been long distant friends for just about as long as we have known each other so we will be ok! Anyway, her last words to me before she moved were, "Update your blog." So Julie, this one is for you (well not the content of what I am going to write, just the actual act of logging in and starting to write!)

Financially, things have been very tight for us. It's not nearly as bad as it was a year ago when we had NO jobs and NO money. James was unemployed for a short time and I could have continued supporting us on my income the excitement of Lawrence caught up to us. We quickly blew through our savings and finacial aid and now we are figuring out how to oay our bills. We had a GREAT time but now it is catching up with us. Not to mention the gas of commuting and the horrible gas mileage of the car we have taken on to help out our friends.

The point of all this is simply to say that I have decided to take a second job. James has been wonderful through all this, he truely has taken on the role as "wife" in the stereotypical sense. He also has found two jobs but they pay worse than any job he has ever had but it's still work. It has to be hard for him to work 40 hours a week and still only make about 1/2 of what I do only working two days a week. Regardless, he is having a good time doing what he is doing and we have even gained a wonderful cat because of it.

I had been looking for a second job off and on for a while. After my degree is finished, I am not just going to run off and get a "real" job. I just don't understand how people can live their life going to work every day and hating their job. I LOVE my job. Yes I would like to have more money but it's worth so much more to be helping change people's lives. And not necessarily just the childrens' lives but the parents' as well.

While we are on the topic, let's discuss the difference between a nanny and a babysitter. Many, many people use the word interchangably. I can understand why but in my mind they are very different. A babysitter is someone from 11 and up who makes sure that a child is safe until the parents can return. This can be a grandparent, neighbor, student, ect. A nanny is someone, usually college age and older that assists the family in nourishing the mental and physical development of their child(ren). I could go on and on about it but for now I will keep it short.

I have interviewed for many positions but have decided on another wonderful family close to the first family and my in-laws. Of course that means more commuting but they are wonderful, wonderful people. I am so excited to spend time with them and their children.

So for those of you who only get to keep up with me through my blog, please know that I love you all and want to see you all. Going to school and working full time is going to be a lot of fun for me but also challenging at the same time. Thank you for all of your love and support and I hope you will continue to support me through this decision! You are all welcome to come visit me in Lawrence. James works alot now so Saturdays will be our one day together for a while. For family in Olathe, Tuesdays are always good for a lunch date with Sammi(18 months) and I!

XOXO to everyone!

I finally got a dog!

2006-02-18T08:11:00.000-06:00

Ya know how I have been wanting a dog for FOREVER? (Well what I really want is my dog Xander back but we all know that's not going to happen!) Well I finally adopted a puppy and it's care free and cost me NO money! He's perfect for our little studio. A big THANK YOU to my dear friend Julie for bringing Fajita and I together.

adopt your own virtual pet!

PS. Mom, you can adopt a hedgehog! (Or a llama if you are feeling adventurous!)

The moral is...for every one person in the world that lets you down, there are always at least two more waiting to pick you back up.

2006-01-23T15:53:00.000-06:00

Now is a good time for me to write. I am at work but I have one child napping and the other lost in the world of make-believe and she won't let me play with her. When I asked her what she wanted me to do while she was playing, she told me to go use the computer. Being the internet junkie I am, I only fussed a little before heading off into the computer room.

Today has been an interesting day. I took the girls to lunch after I found out our playdate with their friends was cancelled. We had a great luch and the waitor brings our check and...no money, no debit card. I panicked and asked the waitor what I should do. He said," I don't know, let me go ask." Then I hear a large amount of laughter from the back. True, they might not have been laughing at me but with the way I felt, everyone in the room may have been laughing.

To top it all off, James had forgotten to fill up my tank as promised the nigth before and the gas light had just come on when we pulled int the parking lot. No card, no money, no gas and half an hour away to my debit card . Then the waitor says, how soon could you be back to pay. Hahaha. Very funny. This guy must have known I didn't have any gas in my car.

I was contemplating walking the few blacks to my mother-in-law's work to ask her to bail me out. I called James who finally suggested I see if they would just run my card number. They did! One problem solved.

As I complained to the waitor about being embarrased and having no gas in my car, he suggests going to the gas station and trying the same thing. I brush off the idea and agree to go straight back to the girls' house and wait for James to bring me the debit card from Lawrence.

On the way home I remember the waitor's idea and stop at a gas station to give it a try. Expecting them to laugh in my face, I haul the girls inside to see what I can do. The gas staion was full of people. That wasn't exactly what I had invisioned when thingking about how this embarassing situation might go. I had a number written on a receipt and no way to prove that it belonged to me.

The women were very kind to me and didn't agree to it right away but eventually gave in without me having to beg. I must have looked somewhat believable. I'm sure they didn't want to be responsible for leaving a young woman and two children abandoned on the highway somewhere. (I had plenty of gas to get us back to the girls' house). Regardless of why they let me get gas and everything worked out fine!

What a Blessing! I love it when good things come out of stressful situations!

The moral is...never stop believing in miracles!

2006-01-21T11:15:00.000-06:00

It is my understanding that many of the people who read my blog are also keeping up with mom's blog but I want to make sure everyone know the lastest on my mom. So please forgive me if you have already this! The following are excerpts from Mom's blog http://something267.blogspot.com

My Sweet Baboo is Home and I Forgot to Tell You

Blakie got back home about 3:30 today. I think she is doing great. The hospital pain killers are wearing off, so she's getting a little uncomfortable, but that will pass.

The doctor said she can be home for 8 weeks, but it could be less than that. She had homemade chicken soup for dinner and is watching Drumline, one of her favorite movies.

She is enjoying being home.

Blake is Doing Great

I just got back from the hospital. Yes, Blake, I know I left your room two hours ago. It's about an hour and a quarter drive. There's a Waffle House on the way...

Anyway, Blake had regular, solid foods for dinner. We took an after dinner stroll through the unit. She is doing wonderfully well. We expect her to be home by this time tomorrow.

Final Lab Results Monday

At KU Med, they like to have the patient say, in the patient's own words: what is going on, what is the diagnosis, what is the prognosis, what will happen next. Actually, I kind of like that part. As most of you know, it's fun to hear Blake's colorful words!

They also like the patient to be "informed" which means that Blake had to sign forms before surgery saying that she understood that "who knows what the surgeon will want to remove, she could be in there for hours, taking out everything, nobody knows..." Those forms are okay, I think we're all used to them in these days of CYA.

Last night, Blake was a little upset as a doctor she hadn't seen before came by to tell Blake "You won't have the final lab results until next week". They could still find some of "the C word". Well, duh!

After that, I reminded Blake that Dr. Chapman had been "eye balling" Blake's insides for 2 hours and didn't think it was even necessary to check any lymph nodes. She took out what she had planned to take out, starting with the basketball sized "mass". She took lab samples of abdominal lining and it all came back clean.

So pardon me, unknown doctor, if we continue to assume that we're done. We know the final results next week will be benign.

Benign! Benign! Benign!

Blake is out of surgery. She was in for 2 hours. Bekah and I met with the surgeon minutes ago.

The very large mass was removed and sent to the lab. All results are Benign. The surgeon didn't bother to remove any lymph nodes as, she could tell there was no cancer and no sign of cancer.

Items not needed by 54 year old women were also removed. Items still used by 54 year old women all look great with no indication of damage.

We could not have had better news.

Thanks to each and every one of you and thanks be to the living God.

Our God reigns

Things are Good!

2006-01-12T10:02:00.000-06:00

Still frustrated with a few areas of my life, I am relieved to be where I am at. We had a lot of struggles over the last few months but things are BEGINING to turn around. Money is EXTREMELY tight and the world isn't showing us any mercy. James is still unemployed but has managed to gather up some old business and is doing a few repairs to help out with cash flow. Hopefully that will help but with a large bill aproacing in two days it is hard to put my mind at rest about the issue.

Back to the good stuff! So as I was saying, things are BEGINING to turn around. James' parents co-signed for us and we got into our apartment. We LOVE it! It's small but good. We love the city of Lawrence. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders the second we got everything move in and even more so when we left Misty Glen for good. I love where I live, I love my job and I love having my husband back to his happy, care-free self again. Things are good! It's nice to feel so happy again.

It's amazing how much a space and situation can wear down on you so much without you even realizing the impact it has on your life. I knew we weren't in a good place but I just didn't realize exactly how bad it was.

Come visit us anytime!

Moving

2005-12-27T13:11:00.000-06:00

Long story short...Jame's Parent's drove to Lawrence yesterday evening and co-signed for us on an apartment. We learned that wether today or six months from now, we were going to need a co-signer to get an apartment. We can get approved to BUY a house but not to RENT an apartment. It makes sense when you think about it but it still makes me laugh. So James' parents graciously signed for us and we have an apartment, as of today, in Lawrence. We are SO SO SO SO SO grateful to them for helping us out.

We won't be getting internet for a while at home until James has a new job. We can probably afford to get it turned on but we don't feel that it is the best choice right now. Please be understanding as it will be more difficult to email and blog until we can get internet again. (It's for the best...I rely to heavily on the computer!)

Prayers and Thoughts

2005-12-16T09:03:00.000-06:00

I haven't known how to write about this or what to say as things have been progressively changing. Here is a letter from my mom to her friends and family explaining all that she has been and still is going through. Your prayers and thoughts will be gladly appreciated during this difficult holiday season. If you want to email her or any or our family, you can write to something267@gmail.com.

This has been Bcc'd to all of you because I needed to let you know
what has been going on with me, thiese past few weeks. It is very hard
to write because I have been putting it off, and you are all such a
diverse group of friends and family on my email list. Some of you
might be online friends from various interest groups (and if you are,
this whole email is not for the 'lists'), some might be people thatI
have a professional teaching connection with, and some might be dear
friends who need to know this (and you are welcome to share this with
anyone I know who would want to know) and some of you are family who
already know but I am sending this letter anyway.

Please forgive me if this is too familiar or not familiar enough,
depending on which category you fall. I simply went through my
contacts and visualized all on my list who are not here in Kansas with
me and already know. Anyway, I would have loved to write you all
individually, but...and you know how I dither on, so bear with the
story because there is a beginning, a middle, another beginning,
another middle, and we are still waiting for the end.

I lost 50 lbs without trying to. The PERFECT way to lose weight,
right? Anyway, at my exam I was found to have a mass in my abdomen
area. Which is why I hadn't noticed I had lost 50 lbs. I kept looking
at myself sideways in the mirror and there was this belly. I finally
decided that's what getting old was. BUT it was also why I hadn't
noticed the mass.

My girls finally saw my shoulders and made an appointment. She did the
exam, didn't like the mass, didn't like the weight loss accompanying
the mass, did bloodwork. Scheduled a CT.

The next day there was a "Some good news" email from her. Very, VERY
hyperactive thyroid, unknown until now, don't know how long it had
been going on, but in her opinion, that was a very positive thing
(imagine that!) as it meant hopefully that it was not a malignancy
weight loss situation but a thyroid weight loss situation. I remember
thinking, as I read her email, that my mom would be so proud, because
I had NEVER had an 'overactive' anything! (Those of you who knew me in
college better shut-the-hell-up, my aunt and uncle and daddy are also
reading this email!)

CT got cancelled so they could deal with the thyroid which had to be
irradiated and they couldn't do the CT before the thyroid...something
about the iodine. Which also meant two days at home alone. When Rob
picked me up from that appointment, I found him in the car with his
neck totally encased in three layers of aluminum foil and a huge wad
in the shape of a triangle on his crotch. I LAUGHED ALL THE WAY HOME!
Instead of the CT I had a sonogram. To quote the techie, "Wow! This
thing is BIG!"

Following that was an appointment back with my doc. She broke it to me
that because of the mass and a high CA125 test, which I didn't realize
she had ordered, that I had Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer. One day before
Thanksgiving was this news. We did have a great Thanksgiving as it was
the first time since college started that we had all been home at the
same time and no one had any fights at the dinner table.

My doc made an appointment at KUMed (University of Kansas Medical
Center) because they have a GYN oncologist and Topeka didn't. It
snowed 7 inches the day before the hour drive but the roads were OK,
and off we went. I hate driving in the snow so much, that when I saw
how much we had I told my principal not to worry about my outcome,
that I would have a heart attack before even getting there.

To sum up, the visit was great. There are still many things to worry
and pray about, but the specialist did not think that it looked like
OC. We are hoping she is correct. There is still the mass to worry
about and I willl have, hopefully an outcome worthy of a National
Enquirer article, "Topeka woman has a "Wow, this is BIG!" mass removed
and no one EVEN saw it coming!" article.

It could be a fiboid gone wild (our choice). It could be worse. It
could still be what my original doc thought first.

So, Pre-OP Monday in KC with 5 inches of snow expected Saturday ending
Sunday. Don't worry, I'll probably have a heart attack before even
getting there! Surgery will be Wednesday WITH a Hysterectomy that I
begged for 15 years ago. See, dreams do come true you just have to
wait a while.

Please keep Rob and especially my kids in your prayers. Those of you
who know me and how hard it was for me to lose my mom while I was only
35...I am truly not thinking of ME when I say I don't want my kids to
go through that at 18 and 23. Heck, most of them have just now started
talking to me after I was so 'unreasonable' all through high school.
Bekah, she's 23, we've been talking for quite a while!

I love you all, in so many different ways.

"There are many ways to say I love you. There are many ways to say I
care about you. Many ways. Many ways. Many ways, to say, I love you."
Mr. Rogers

"As my Uncle, Santanna Rosannadanna used to say, "Rosanne
Rosannadanna, It just goes to show you. It's always sometihing. If
it's not one thing it's another."
Gilda Radner/Rosanne Rosannadanna

Please feel free to write if you want to but I don't know when I'll
get back to answer. Please don't call right now, the kids will be home
from college tomorrow and I have things to do. Rob has made a blogger
account which you can check what's new. For now, that can keep you
updated, and I'll hopefully be able to talk to you soon.

Pray for us anyway, but especially on Wednesday and after.
Love, Blake

http://www.something267.blogspot.com/

I'm grumpy and I don't care!

2005-12-09T09:42:00.000-06:00

*** WARNING*** I mean no disrespect to anyone and there are of course exceptions. Please read with caution as this is has not been sensored. ***WARNING***

When Friday and Saturday nights rolls around, I can pretty much tell you where I will be. It has been the same routine for over the past year. Both my parents can tell you because we used to joke about it. Now I feel like it is a little out of control.

Although, I must say, I have been lucky recently and I have gotten to stay home at least one night out of the weekend. Last weekend I got both nights to do whatever I wanted! And then we got "spoken to" about it and how James never called when he said he would. Bite me!

I'm the one who likes being social so usually I can go with the flow. James on the other hand, works A LOT. He doesn't want to go out and blow money and hang out with strangers and stay up late. He wants to sit on his...buns... and veg out. I understand that but sometimes it gets old. I just want him, to want to do something other than letting other people tell him what to do all the time. I just want him to make his own decisions and not let those people make him feel bad about it. I've talked to him about it and he understands why I get so upset sometimes.

I want my own friends!

I feel that ever since I moved to Kansas, I haven't put enough energy into the relationships that I should have. I poured too much energy into the relationships I knew would never work out. I'm not very "girly" but every once and a while I wish I had a female friend to hang out with. Women just bring something to a friendship that a husband can't. I think that is important to have.

I love hanging out with my boss. She's the same age as the other friends I have. Yet I still can't spill my guts about EVERYTHING because I work for her. (I've already tested the waters there and that didn't go to well.) How pathetic I feel sometimes having to beg her to go scrapbook (crop) with me? She has her own friends to do that with!

I can't wait to move to Lawrence. I don't know what I am hoping to find there. Exceptance maybe. I feel like when I go to Lawrence, I don't stand out as much...I fit in. No body cares that my armpits are all hairy or that when I go swimming I haven't shaved my legs since it was warm. No one even looks at me!

I am so tired of feeling like most of the friendships I still have only rely on me to keep them. It gets old being the only one to call, the only one to try and arrange get-togethers, and the only one to drive the hour to do anything. I am giving up and feeling like it's not worth it.

I have a few frienships that are built on distance. Those friendshps will never fade, they are deep rooted and have stood the tests of time (how cliche)!

Here's another thing. I am ready to move to Alaska and disown some family members. Not my immediate family but I don't want to point fingers. The harder I try to please people the more they make James and I feel bad about not seeing them and spending time with them ENOUGH. AHHHHHH!!!! It makes me furious. What about me and my time? I go through my week, waiting for Sunday to come around so I can be with my husband. I try SO hard and it's just like a snowball getting bigger and bigger. The harder I try, the more they nag. And I think, "When is the last time you came to see me?" In some cases I can say NEVER. In other cases, I can say twice. I wonder does anyone stop to think how hard it is for James and I going from being together EVERY single day to seeing each other in small chuncks of time through out the week. Well in case you were wondering, its hard and there is not much we can do about it right now...so back off! I just don't think a lot of couples enjoy being together as much as we do so of course they probably don't think about it. Or they think that being together and being with other people should be enough. Well it's not...especially when you can't be yourself and have to walk on pins and needles trying not to offend anyone.

Ok, so I'm a little lonely. Looking back at what I have written so far...I don't appreciate the family I have enough and I long for the things I don't have.

That's enough. I'm through. I hope you aren't exhausted having read this. If you know anyone who is interested, I am currently taking applications for friends!

On another note, I had to stop in Lawrence on Wednesday night because of the weather. I stayed in my sister's dorm room and slept on the cold, hard floor (by choice...I didn't want to sleep on the top bunk with her and risk one of us falling off). I had such a good time. I got to TALK with my sister, which doesn't happen a lot. I feel so old sometimes but no one even noticed that I might be older. It was kind of a neat feeling although I found most of the drunk freshman running around to be pretty obnoxious! I never had the college dorm experience so I got to experience it in a few short hours! It was fun but I probably didn't miss out on anything!

Ok, now I am really done this time!

My sister

2005-12-05T22:00:00.000-06:00

I am so fond of my brother and sister. No matter how many times they piss me off, I always forget so quickly and think so fondly of them. I love them both to pieces. I wish I could spend more time with them.

I saw my sister tonight. I had mentioned to Elizabeth that maybe my sister could meet up with us today when we were in Lawrence. All day Elizabeth said, " When are we going to see your friend." We packed our towels to go swimming and she packed an extra towel, for "my friend." After awhile it turned into, " What is your frien...your sister doing?" "When are we going to see Hannah?"

I had already told Hannah, we didn't have to meet up since she was studying for a big test. But Elizabeth just kept on going. On and on she asked about Hannah.

She had never met Hannah before but she had talked to her once or twice and she knew Hannah was the one that had told us to build our fort.

We had spent the whole day in Lawrence and were tired and hungry when we pulled into the KU residence area. We had to part far away since the parking lots were full. We had picked up some ice cream for her so we were stuck going to visit.

Anyone who has kids or has been around kids knows, a blocks ends up feeling like a mile...especially when it's cold and especially when you aren't using a stroller (which I rarely do.)

We got there and Sammi started being bashful after an entire day of saying hi to EVERY single person we saw! Elizabeth got very quiet too. There were students everywhere. The girls were exhausted and you could tell.

Hannah just started in talking to them. Sammi too. She just started talking to them like they were all grown up. We rode the elevator up to Hannah's room and everyone we saw commented on how cute they were. I am sure they don't get many kids walking through the halls at the dorm.

We got to Hannah's room and I put Sammi on the floor, expecting her to cry. She didn't. After 5 minutes they were settled in. They laughed, danced and talked up a storm.

I am so impressed at my sister. I always have thought I was good with kids but Hannah has more of a nack at it than I do. I always call her for advice and she always has the answers. When it comes to kid, there is a forty year old woman in there. She really has to be a teacher or something.

Hannah was so good with the girls and they loved her. She was fun and playful but talked to them like adults. She talked to Sammi like she was just going to start spouting out sentences. She took Sammi's slipper, tried it on and asked Sammi if she could have it.

It was a very rewarding trip. I'm going to have to follow Hannah where ever she goes when I have kids of my own so they get to hang out with cool Aunt Hannah. (Kind of like Aunt Anne was to us!) Anyway, it was a great visit! On the way home, Elizabeth was already talking about the next time we go see Hannah.

Dear Mom

2005-11-30T07:48:00.000-06:00

I love you so much. Thank you for wanting me and holding me and supporting me through everything I ever wanted to do. You deserve so much more than what life has given you. We will find you strength to make this journry worth the while.

Bekah

Update on Mr. Penny

2005-11-28T14:47:00.000-06:00

Mr Penny went to the hospital a few days ago. They think he has cancer in his neck and has already started chemo. I think he is doing better. He says he feels better anyway...that could be the drugs talking!

In a letter to my mom this is what I wrote about Penny:

We went to the hospital to see Mr. Penny yesterday. The first time we went was earlier in the day and he was WAY doped up and could hardly acknowledge us. I got a few laughs out of him that assured me, despite his appearance, he was doing ok. I said, "You just came here to watch tv, didn't you and he mumble a recognizable tone that meant, "no way." Then we teased him about "cleaning out his apartment" and getting the good stuff like the armoire and again he laughed before passing back out.

We went back in the evening and he was snoring away. His concerned doctor saw us and made sure we were where we needed to be and not causing trouble. He woke up Mr. Penny for us since we didn't have the heart to. Penny told us he had chemo therapy yesterday and would have it again today. They think he has cancer in his neck that caused the loss of movement in he right arm.

He's feeling much better in the hospital. Naturally, since he is being properly taken care of and eating correctly. He loves how nice everyone is to him and how often they give him ice cream. He constantly gives them a hard time about the bill. He teased me, telling me he told the nurse to give the bill to me. I said, "Good luck getting that paid!"

Life sucks and then you die.

2005-11-28T14:45:00.000-06:00

I am over being in shock. I am done crying for now. I still think about it every day and wonder how we are going to get through this. I wish I could tell you what "this" is but it's not time yet. Not enough is known to be able to talk about it. There are a million thoughts going through my head wondering my this had to happen to me, to us. You always think, it will never happen to you. It exsists in a world that doesn't belong to you until it actually happens. Please send good thoughts and prayer in my direction. And if you see someone in my family, give them a big hug! They might not admit it but they need it. I need it.

Today, I am up but when I was down I felt so incredibly alone. I don't have many friends and usually I am ok with that but where was the shoulder to cry on when I needed it. I had no where to go and no one to turn to. People always say they are there for you until... I don't want to always have to tell someone that I need them. I don't want to have to hunt them down to say, "Please can I have a hug, life just kicked me in the ass."

We're moving soon, probably to Lawrence, if my parents don't want to take us in again (only kidding). Maybe my Topeka friends will find that the drive is easier for them and will want to be around me again. They always say, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." Let me tell you, that isn't always the case.

The moral is...Don't live in the ghetto if you ever want the police to help you.

2005-11-21T11:40:00.000-06:00

I came home on Friday night from Topeka. I was getting sick and I needed lots of sleep because I had to work the next morning. I pulled in at 8:20 and James was there waiting to help me carry some stuff upstairs. As we were locking up the car James says, "Wait...," Looking around confused. I thought he was being silly.

He said, "Where's Neal's van?"

Seeing that the van was gone I said, "Harrison probably has it."

"Harrison is out of town.(Silence)Before we jump to conclusions, I'll call Neal and see if he let his kids borrow it."

Nope. Neal didn't let his kids take it. As James was talking ont he phone, I saw the blinds in the window of the office blowing in the wind. The screen had been removed and the window had been opened.

When we went inside the office, not much had been taken out of it's place except the keys to Neal's van and the file containing $1300.

We sat waiting for the police to arrive. After an hour of waiting James called dispach again. They said that there weren't any officers available. No one had even picked up the call yet. Our status was "pending." Another hour went by.

It's now 10:30 and I haven't eaten dinner yet. We decided to go upstairs and watch from our apartment. About 1/2 an hour later an officer arrived. He had just arrived on shift and seemed very new to the force.

I couldn't believe how long it took. I feel even safer now living there!

Update on Mr. Penny

2005-11-18T09:20:00.000-06:00

I visited with Mr Penny last night. His frail body was slumped over like he couldn't move. Through our talk, he eventually made his way into more of a sitting position from what his napping position.

His brain is still sharp. He slips up every once and while and has trouble talking and then he'll say, "Quit stuttering," to himself and just keep pn trucking.

He had to call me over this morning to get him some breakfast. I noticed something I hadn't noticed before. There are jars and cups filled with a thin yellow liquid. It's so sad.

Leroy Penny

2005-11-08T05:49:00.000-06:00

March 30, 2005 My journal reads:

Mr. Penny- An old man with dark skin and dark hair that is highlighted by his silvery age. A former government employee, he spends his day getting drunk, talking to people as they pass by. He doesn't like Joe http://aesopsfables.blogspot.com/2005_03_01_aesopsfables_archive.html and let him and everyone else know it. Joe thinks he's joking. He stopped James and me yesterday to announce that we were going to be living across the hall from him. He demanded that there would be no loud music, no drinking and no partying. I said, " Why is it ok for you to drink, but not ok for us?" Naturally, he was to busy making jokes to answer the question.

From what I gather, he used to walk a lot. His small, frail body reflects that. It seems he had a stroke in his sleep one night and lost most of his functions of his dominant hand. His spirits are high (although I am told they aren't always).

June 29, 2005 My journal reads:

Mr. Penny- A man that reminds me of home. He represents kindness and family and truth. He's the kind of person you don't mind listening to, even when you are running late. He has great stories to tell, he's always good for a laugh, although, I don't see him smile much.

He's going down hill pretty quickly. He'd never admit it though. He appreciates being thought of and checked in on but refuses any "help." He won't hesitate to ask for a soda when his meds are making his mouth dry.

He sits in his cluttered apartment of 16 years, listening to the radio. He never goes into his bedroom. He has lived in the building since it was built. He knows stories no one else knows, like, why there is a huge dip in my living room floor.

I want to move so badly because of the consistent knocking on our door. Now, I don't want to because I know I have a neighbor, a friend, and a grandpa type figure to look after me right across the hall. The day I changed my mind about moving was when he told us, "I was just telling my wife (separated), I don't want to get to know you folks." He doesn't want to see us go.

November 13, 2005:

To sit with a man who knows he is dying changes the way you look at things. I remember the first day I realized he was dying. I came home and took a shower to hide my tears. I felt so sad.

Now, I just try and spend as much time with him as I can. Every time I go see him, I know I am going to have to be in there for at least an hour and it's going to be 90 degrees. But for me it's worth it if I have the time. I want to spend as much time with him as I can while he is here with us.

If I met him today and started writing about him, he would be a completely different person to me. He ALWAYS needs help. Harrison had to go pick him up off the floor again yesterday. We took him a walker, and some other medical supplies that make it easier to bath and go to the bathroom. I guess none of those things can help you much when your body is deteriorating.

I am so grateful and thankful that we have endured all that we have here(at the apartments) just for the chance to be apart of Mr. Penny's life.

The moral is...things never happen the way you plan them.

2005-10-30T10:45:00.000-06:00

***WARNING*** This entry may contain pictures that may be offensive.

Over two weeks ago, I started bothering James about having a Halloween Party. Halloween is James' favorite holiday and this is the first year we have had the opputunity to "celebrate." He agreed pending the location of the party. Our apartment's living room floor needs some major repair and couldn't accomadate the weight of too many guests.

We found an empty apartment and began calling our friends. We asked our friends if they would be available because we didn't want to start planning if no one would be there. When it looked like we had 10-15 people coming we dropped a lot of money and pulled it all together.

At one point, our friend John was going to bring out his turn tables to play music but wasn't going to put forth the effort for 10-15 people. He put a post up on the internet and we thouht we would have TOO many people showing up.

10pm finally arrives. Everything is finish; candles lit, fog machine going and dry ice bubbling away. Brad and Amy arrive "on time" which is amazing. Shortly behing them is our friend John. Things are looking good and we continue to anticipate a good turn out.

10:30pm I'm tired of standing looking for everyone so I call my Topeka friends to tell them just to call me when they get there so I can let them in. John suggests that if no one gets there by 11:00 we go back to our apartment because the "haunted apartment" is freaking him out. No way in hell was I leaving after all the work and money we put into it.

10:45pm James sends me back out to look for people. "Maybe someone forgot their cell phone and they don't know that you called," someone said. I go outside and find our friend Mike arriving. I stay outsid for a while and call and my friends again, sounding pathetic, begging them to come.

11:00 Harrison's kids show up and "crash" the party but Harrison hasn't shown up yet. They kind of gave us the illusion that a party was starting to happen. Finally, our friend Holly responds to my desperate phone call insisting that I didn't sound pathetic! She said she would make an appearance but she needed sleep so she couldn't stay long.

Once Holly and arrison arrived about the same time and from then on we had a party. I was extremely dissapointed with the turn out and dissapointed by the people who hadn't stuck to what they had told me, we just enjoyed the people that had come out. I think some good lessons were learned that night. While I have pretty strong things to say about the people that let me down, the party helped me appreciate the people that did come.

Holly especially. She didn't even get her "invite" until the day before. We hardly see her any more. We are HORRIBLE about keeping in touch with her. And she ended up staying until everyone decided at 2:30am that it was time to call it a night. We need to do a much better job keeping up with friends like Holly and less time with the people that make us feel like we love them more than they love us. (Julie...I know you know what I am talking about!)

Let's move on to the decor. The pictures we took were either too dark or too bright. I was unsuccessful at capturing how perfect the mood was. You walk into the living room which was dimly lit. There wasn't anything especially scary but the mood was right.

In the kitchen/dining room area there were two refigerators and two stoves. On fridge for drinks and the other because it was already there. The ovens were open and glowing red. On contained a creepy baby on a rusty pan.

You walk down the hall to your right is the first bathroom. This bathroom wasn't functioning.

To the left was the first bedroom containing a murder scene. In the daylight or under the bright flash of the camera, the blood looks fake to me. The only light in that room was from a tv with a white screen. Very creepy.

Further down the hall was the maze to the functioning bathroom. The bloody path of the maze was creepy enough on it's own. But then there was a strobe and haunting music in the background. I thoung it was VERY successful.

The second bathroom was looking pretty creepy until someone who helped us decorate decided the toilet. But I thought that was the worst part about the whole "haunted house" and that really wasn't that bad. So I think it was all a sucess.

2005-10-28T16:41:00.000-05:00

How have I managed to allow ONE person, continually take away from me the things I hold dear. I'm not talking about my husband. And I would think, I would give my husband more power over my life than this person has. Yet regularly, I let this person manipulate situations over and over and over again. This person doesn't even know that he or she is even doing anything wrong. I am the one that usually comes across as a nasty person because I find myself regularly irritable around them. My husband regularly is manipulated by this person too and it's taking over our lives. I wish he could find the strength to stand up and say what he want so I wouldn't feel like I am in this alone. I just keep think...someday soon I'll be in Alaska and then I will probably miss my friends and family. I will probably look back on these times and wished I had had more patience. So that's what I'm going to do; be patient and roll with the punches.

Elizabeth and Sammi

2005-09-13T20:30:00.000-05:00

Today was Elizabeth's first day of school. The day was a great day for taking pictures and I was lucky to get a lot of good shots. I also took a lot of pictures of Sammi since I had the oppurtunity to spend some one on one time with her. Here are some of the pictures. For more pictures go to here!

Katrina

2005-09-07T21:37:00.000-05:00

I know that not many people read my blog but at the off chance that the right person stumbles upon it I am going to post this entry.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/slightclutter/39718496/in/set-847243/

Emma Green talks to a new friend in the parking lot of Toys-R-Us, a makeshift collection and distribution center for relief supplies. Emma asked me to thank Irene (last name unknown) if I published a photo of her. She was overwhelmed by the kindness of everyone she had met. She is in Houston with her daughter, two grand-daughters (seen in earlier photos), and two grandsons. They were about to head to Humble, Texas to try to find shelter. I loved this family. I gave them my number... just in case.

My second promise was to mention her sisters names, sisters, also from New Orleans, whom she has no idea how to contact, nor does she know where they are.

Sisters:
Helen White
Diane Leslie
Jessie Hall
Ruby Bullock
Williemae Minnor

Again, if anyone has any information regarding these individuals, please contact me. I know it is a longshot, but stranger things have happened.

Please click the above link to see the picture. I love the pictures this person took. They are raw and real. Not so Hollywood like the media. Take some time to look at them.

More kitty pictures!

2005-08-05T11:59:00.000-05:00

Kitty

2005-08-05T10:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday evening, we (Harrison, Brad, James and I) congregated outside at the end of their busy work day discussing all the crazy things that had happened through out the day. A group of 6-8 kids come walking through the parking lot talking about the tiny kitten they had played with in the parking lot of the church up the hill. The girls had left the kitten with a group of boys who were playing basketball. With no intention of bringing the cat home, Brad and I walked up the hill to see the cat. The girls chased us all the way there and all the way back hoping the cat could become the apartment mascot. The poor kitten was too tiny to be left alone. Brad, who has three cats already picked it up and carried it back to our apartment.

James came up to the apartment and tried not to like the cat but understood how desperately the kitten needed attention.
Only three to four weeks only, she was covered with hundreds of fleas that were well hidden until her much hated flea bath. We discussed putting an ad in the paper but this poor cat hasn't just been out over night. I am pretty sure she is malnurished and dehydrated.
It looks as though we may have an addition to our family. For now we are just trying to make sure she is taken care of. We'll see! But for know it's a sure thing that we aren't getting new carpet.

Please let me know if you know of anyone who may want a cat. James and I are mildly allergic to cats and would prefer to find her a good home. She is VERY loving and social!

Random thoughts

2005-07-27T15:41:00.000-05:00

As I showered, I considered what I may tell my daughter some day about shaving her legs. I shave mine because it is a learned habit. I started shaving the day I started my period in the 6th 9r 7th grade and I thought it was a HUGE deal. I looked foward to it because I liked the way my mom's legs looked; shiny, smooth, dark and defined. Perfect legs. Now, I like the way MY legs look shaved. And sadly, it's not just my legs...I shave quite a few other places people never see, including my armpits.

So back to what I would tell my daughter. I would want her, even at a young age to think about why(or why not) she wants to do something. After thinking about why, whether I agree or not, I would probably let her. I just don't think people think about why they do things. People ,too quickly, fall into doing what everyone else does to fulfill the need of fitting in and being excepted.

Then I thought, the human race is pretty creative. It comes across as daring, exotic, and special to be an artist. NO! Artists just have the drive and the passion to do what they do. I think their drive is what seperates them from the rest of us.

If people aren't naturally artistic, why is there such a demand for people to be fashionable, wear make-up have nice hair styles and haircuts, drive fancy cars, have nice houses (inside and out). There is evidence of of art EVERYWHERE.

My new boss, Diana, thinks she isn't artistic. I hear that too often from people and it drives me crazy. Again there is evidence of art in her life everywhere. Ahe doesn't think she's artistic?!?!?!? She drew me the coolest drawing of sesame street characters the other day. Even I, someone who considers themself artistic, wouldn't have taken the time to paint something that was well in a simple art project with a young child.

2005-07-03T10:05:00.000-05:00

The world is starting to wake up and I wish they wouldn't. I have been enjoying the gentle noise of the rain and the thunder which have dissapeared and been replaced by car doors, voices, cars driving on the wet street.

Here's some raw words from my journal this morning.

they'll think i'm crazy for waking up "too" early. it will be unclear to them, the beauty i have seen this a.m. as the sun shines, the rain falls and the thunder boomers argue over what i'll see next. there is happiness here in my solitude. silence filled with thoughs to put a smile on my face and make the bad times easier. sheltered from the rain, i find it soothing to listen and look out the window at the new day. there are no time limits i have to meet, no expectations wearing me down. i can just be...
it's magic outside. everything is moving. there is so much life and movement right now as the rest of the house is dreaming the day away. and they won't understand why i don't want to miss this.

As I sat there writing I could see the family in the building across from us moving their belongings. We call them "The Refugees," a name given to them before we ever got her. And that is what they are, refugees from Africa. Catholic Charities wants to move in another family soon. Which is ok now that this other family is leaving because they can use the same destroyed apartment. They use a certain spice that kind of smells like curry that you can smell a mile away. The other guy that works here tells a story about going into their apartment to fix their fridge(that they didn't know was broken) and their was half of a bloody head in the sink. He said it was too small to be a horse and too big to be a dog. He still doesn't have a clue what kind of meat they ha for dinner that night.

Here is some of what I wrote about them.

and they too don't understand. those people outside my window. and i don't understand them. i wish i could. maybe that's what makes them so appealing. the fact that i don't understand why they sit in a circle and eat rice off the carpet. she smiles amd waves at me, like i am someone she knows as i wave to her to say hello. i wonder if she is relieved to see a language she knows: a simple hello. if i knew more than hello i might ask the why they eat off the carpet. why they have colorful drapes hanging from every inch of their home. why they came here and what they were trying to escape from. why the bathtub is used for washing dishes and dumping leftover rice.

2005-06-29T12:29:00.000-05:00

Our cable was out last night in Wyondotte County so we had rented some movies. Of course, ONLY to be watch AFTER "House." (An addiction of mine, thanks to James and my mother.) James and I were about an hour into the first when we heard a male voice coming out of our tv. I got up and backed up the movie and it wasn't there the second time. Because the cable wasn't working, we had hooked up an antenna so the basic channels would come in clearly. That was one of the most bizaar experiences I think I have experienced thus far.

Any words of wisdom as to how some man's voice(probably from a two way radio) came out of our tv?

The moral is...Weekend getaways are a MUST!

2005-06-26T19:21:00.000-05:00

The knocking has already started. The longer we live here at Misty Glen, the more people knock on our door. James is still liking what he does here but everyone needs a day off. James hasn't had one in a while and as you know I have been stessed out about my job for months now. We decided to take matters into our own hands.

We just got back a little over an hour ago from our weekend get-away. We took off Firday afternoon and headed in the direction of Columbia Missouri. We didn't get far before we were ready to stop. We stopped at a KOA in Oak Gove, MO right outside of Kansas City.

We were just relieved to be away from the complex. We played mini golf on their home made course and went swimming after dark for about 20 minutes. James cooked pasta alfredo for dinner on the campstove and by the time we had started the fire, I was ready for bed.

I almost always go to bed early and get up early. We both woke up, 45 minutes before check out. It was fun to sleep in but I had planned on swimming more in the morning!

We grabbed some flyers from the office after we checked out and then headed to Columbia, MO. We stopped at an outlet mall on the way but it was too hot for shopping in the strip mall. (I won't mention that James "accidentally" drove right past the scapbook store) When we got to Columbia, we went to Walmart and bought a memory card for my new camera I got for my birthday. Then, we headed off to the visitors center across town.

They didn't have much to say but it gave a direction to go it. We headed down south to Devil's Icebox, a cave James was familiar with. That part of the cave we got to go in was not Devil's Icebox because you have to enter that one by canoe. It's only open two months out of the year because of the water levels.
The part we did get to see was amazing!

The we headed to Cooper's Landing which is supposed to be wild on the weekends. They have live music and camoing on the water. When we got there it didn't look like something we would enjoy! SO we kept heading down South to the area we had wanted to go to all along. I'm not sure why we didn't go down there earlier in the day. By 8:30 we had reserved a cabin in Lebanon, MO at NRO that had canoe rentals that we were looking foward to the next day.

I made a friend while we were there.

Again we had a very relaxing evening and I made it to a campfire that night. James still wanted to stay up later so I started punching him until he gave in. We went in to get water to put out the fire and I think more water ended up on us then in the fire.

NRO was packed with abnoxious people our age but they were all down by the water. I'm glad we didn't decide to camp! All that was left of them the next morning was there huge piles of trash and beer cans. The river was beautiful. After our 7 mile float we did out typical bickering about wether to stop or continue on for another 7 miles. We both knew we should stop but we both wanted to keep going. We finally determined it would be best to stop but we had to go back soon and do it again.

The trip was awesome! We had a blast. We really have to do that more often!

Job Update

2005-06-17T08:11:00.000-05:00

My last day of work is going to be sometime around the 15th of August. Amazingly enough, things are going better than ever. I wish the job had been like this from the beginging!

I was offered another position on Wednesday. At first I was aprehensive about it because I didn't feel that they knew enough about me to make a good decision. I wasn't TRYING to get the job, I was just being myself and letting whatever happen. It's only two days a week for about a year and then it would be for full time. The pay is better and the more I work, the more I get paid! Seems reasonable! I feel like my personality fits better with this family. The wife took more time yesterday to tell me more about their family and we have a lot in common. I thinks that's pretty cool!

The only problem is they want me to start on July 18th but both I and the family I am working for have commited to the middle of Aug and I have to stick with that. I know the new family is a little bit more flexible on the start date but I don't know that they can wait that long. I am hoping that they do though. We'll see!

Trip to FL

2005-06-05T10:51:00.000-05:00

The biggest concern when children reunite with their birth parents is how the birthmother or child will fell about the situation. Some birthmoms don't want to be found, others want their babies back and others just want to make sure the kid is ok.

Long story short, I am so glad that my mom found her and brought her into our lives. She is an amazing person and she has a very cool family that I am excited to add to my mine!

This is my biological half sister, Cassie. She is already very special to me and I have only known her for two months.

This is my birthmom, Tonia.

Tonia turned out to be better than I could have dreamed her to be. For more fun filled pictures of my trip, check out
http://www.flickr.com/photos/21877391@N00/

2005-06-05T10:13:00.000-05:00

After about two months of being frustrated with work, I finally told The Husband that I was unhappy. At first I was heart broken, thinking about leaving the baby who I spend my days with. By the time I got home, I was relieved at the thought of not having to keep up this schedule for very much longer.

In the begining I was upset that he didn't understand all the things that were bothering me. In response to the long hours he said, "What kind of hours do you think you would be working at a real job," and "I don't think you have worked more that 40 hours a week since you have been here."

I regards to the low pay, "___'s kindergarden teacher,_______, made less than $1300 a month last year."

Money isn't that big of a concern to me but I am spending $60-75 a week in gas. So on the high end of things I spend $300 a month in gas, leaving $1000 a month minus taxes.

As a teacher, even in the worst situation I was in, I got respect. Parents and the people I was around, told me I was doing a good job. I felt like the work I was doing was making a positive influence on people's lives and I was appreciated for it. Now, I hardly get any respect from the seven year old and I am told not to take it personal. That child knows he is the boss of me. When I talked to him about how he felt about me leaving he said, "We can give you some time off."

Unfortunately, I have been cursed with knowing what it is like to love your job no matter how much you dislike the people around you or how hard it is. What is all boils down to is, I don't love this job.

I felt like I was living my whole day for this family. I went from being with my husband 24/7 to seeing him a few hours a day. My mom warned me about that too. I believed these people. I trusted the things they said because I told them I didn't want to get screwed. I thought things were made clear by both parties what was expected.

I believed them when they said they didn't expect me to clean. I was expected to clean up after myself and the kids. That was the opposite of what was told to me the day I told him how unhappy I was.

It will be over soon! And the job search continues!

2005-05-13T13:23:00.000-05:00

As you may have read previously, my mom found my birth mother and we have been corresponding ever since. After talking more with her on the phone and speaking with my biological half-sister, I thought more about going to visit.

I started looking at prices for the next four day weekend I would have, which was Memorial Day weekend. As the time to book a ticket quickly approached, I discussed the idea with my employers. Due to the unfortunate death of the wife's father, they told me that they would be leaving again the week of that holiday. I tell them that I had considered taking Monday to Friday to go to FL, as it would be much cheaper.

When I took the job, it was understood that when they had to go away, I would still be paid. When I had to be away, I wouldn't. Now I am being told, that it has always been understood that if the nanny can't watch the house while they are gone, she doesn't get paid. I know we talked briefly about it when we talked about vacation but I was never told I was expected to watch their house while they were gone! I thought I could use that time as I pleased because they had chosen to take the time to be gone.

I was also told by one of them that they would back me up and support me through this time because they knew it was important for me to have closure. Closure for what exactly?

Baby is awake now...more on this later.

2005-04-28T16:26:00.000-05:00

It has been brought to my attention that based on my last entry, it may sound like I am just complaining about my job. I love my job. The problem is that I work 10 hour days with a 45 minute drive at either end. My days, while they are mostly easy going, they are very long.

I put a ton of energy into those kids.

That's enough...I just wanted to clarify about the long days.

The moral is...the world doesn't understand me.

2005-04-27T11:11:00.000-05:00

I feel myself slipping into a funk. Everyday I start off in a good mood and sure enough I slip right back into being irritated by the time I get to work. I can't believe I am burt out already.

Maybe it is a sign, but recenly I have been surrounded by talk of life when you are older. I made a comment last week about how I didn't understand why people worked their lives away. A comment was made back, " People work hard so they don't have to worry about other people taking care of them when they are older."

Then I find out that the people I work for are planning on retiring in four years. Theya re so young and they are going to have things figured out finacially and medically for the rest of their lives. Not to mention that they are going to be there for their kids who will be 5 and 11. They have sacrificed themselves for 20+ years so they could have that luxury.

I feel kind of trapped right now. Trapped by a world that I don't feel understand me. I don't want to work my days away, especially when I know that my husband might not be here tommorow. There is nothing to assure that any of us will be here tommorow.

I loved spending my days on the road with James. Now I spend about three hours awake with him during the week. Those three hours I can hardly give him my attention. Ususally, I cook dinner since I seem to have a tiny bit more energy that he does at the end of the day. Then I just want to sit and zone out. I can hardly concentrate to hear his stories.

The people I work for act like they understand but I don't feel like they do. They haven't made choices that keep them together during the day. They still hardly see each other and I know they love each other but that is the choice they have made. Plus they have kids at the end of the day to complicate matters. After 20 years they are used to working all the time.

I can't be away from James this much. It is pathetic and horribly romantic but it is what it is I suppose. I know James is feeling the same way but he goes to work later than I do and comes home earlier. I can work all day, no problem, if I have James by my side.

I have enough of a concience to tell me that my actions directly effect other people's feelings and lives. I have a great job with great perks and down time. It's just not the right perks for me, I think. The bottmo line is, I want to be with James. I am living for the end of the day when I can see him and the weekend when we run around doing things for other people.

I know I can't walk out on these kids. I am really fortunate to have this family in my life. It just isn't right for me, I don't think.

The moral is...I don't really want to have one but my dad will give me a hard time if I don't. Just read it!

2005-04-24T10:01:00.000-05:00

I don't think I realized how long it has been since I have written. I've been going through a lot recently and I find great comfort in my journal. Let's see if we can transfer some of that to my blog!

My job is going great! I had a very frustrating week last week. I had just had an entire week off, paid, and was returning to work and having to deal with the grandparents being there. At first it wasn't too bad. But then grandma was finding extra work for me to do. I couldn't figure out how to tell her that these jobs she was having me do weren't my job. I kept it inside I just did what was asked of me. I felt that after a week off I should try to help out as mush as I could.

The extra jobs were taking up my time that I got to rest or do what I wanted to do while the baby was sleeping. I was exhausted all week! By Thursday, I was angry and thinking about looking for another job.

Being frustrated with grandma was making me think about all the dumb things that I was already a tiny bit irrated about. I don't come from a military background so it is hard for me to understand the people I work for sometimes.

I was dissapointed early in the week after a conversation with the wife. She had previously told me that I was invited to her son's birthday party. They would love to have me but I didn't have to go. Monday, it had turned it to, " Just plan on being there. I need the extra adult." Oh thank you so much. At that point, I would have prefered to be asked instead of told.

Everything is like that though. While I know they are great people and don't mean to hurt my feelings it upsets me sometimes. I think it is just what they are used to, being in the military. I know that I work for them so I should expect to be told what to do and that is fine. I guess, the problem I am having is that I chose to work for them over other, better paying, better hour nanny jobs because they were looking for someone to be apart of their family.

Maybe other families work differently but in my family we ask people to do things even if it should be demanded. It makes me feel so distant when they talk to me like that. It just makes me feel like the little 6.50/hour employee that I am instead of the caretaker of their children.

Then that gets me thinking. I could be making more money going back to my old job at the coffee shop and be done everyday but 1 o'clock and I wouldn't have to work 10 hour days. The wife doesn't understand because she is used to working 10 or 12 hour days just because that is the way it is. I on the other hand make 6.50/hour and left the coffee shop making more than that plus tips. Of course, I could bnever sit down at the coffee shop either. There are great things about being a nanny that can't be weighed my money but they have a lot of value. It just gets hard to realize when your frustrated and burnt out at the end of the week.

Which brings me to the biggest news of all, that hasn't helped my job situation any. Last Friday, my mom made a call to a woman that could quite possibly be my birthmother. I didn't prepare myself for the possible outcome because I didn't want to get my hopes up.

It was her and we have been e-mailing back and forth like crazy. however, I am tired pf writting so I'll have to save that for another day! Tune in again next time for the EXCITING LIFE OF BEKAH!

Meet Joe

2005-03-30T09:52:00.000-06:00

Today I startes writing about some of the characters introduced into my novel, or my life, this past week. I am confident that eventually there will be a book out of all of these adventures I've gone through. I just have to write more!

Let me introduce to Joe.

A fair skinned man stops us in the hallway. Age 72, he has been struggling all day to unzip the zipper of his anciant military wind jacket. He has waited for James to come by to ask for his help. James struggles with it for a while until finally it breaks unexpectedly. Although he is told the zipper broke, he doesn't notice. He appreciates the company he has now trapped from going upstairs.

Joe speaks of a former tenant who scammed him out of 400 bucks. Every conversation with Joe brings the retelling of the con artist.

Joe has lost so much faith in the world he lives in. Having lost his wife to cancer many years ago, he speaks as if death is knocking on his door every minute. He looks as if he has given up on showering, his white, this hair slicked back with grease.

Joe sits in his car, watching people as they come and go. He never drives his car, rather he walks to pick up the things he needs. The walk is exhausting for him which gives him something else to complain about. His car might not even work he explains. He doesn't care. He says he is too old to drive.

Discussing a recent school shooting he says, "If I was healthy, Id never think of that."

While you look at him and want to reach out to help him, he makes it clear that it is necessary to keep your distance for you own safety. Although, I offer to pick him up groceries on my way home from work. He may never except the offer since he doesn't trust anyone.

Tune in again and I will introduce you to the others as their characters become clearer!

Bekah

The moral is...don't judge a book by it's cover.

2005-03-29T08:32:00.000-06:00

This weekend we started cleaning our apartment just to find that when you left the cabinets open there was an overwhelming smell of curry! Not that I have anything against curry, I would just prefer it in moderation.

So, we went looking for a new apartment. Not thinking we would find anything, we actually found another two bedroom over the office that doesn't need quite as much work. And it doesn't smell like curry!

Yesterday brought many suprises at the apartments. A lot of people were out and about and there were many oppurtunities to talk and have a good laugh. Most of the people you stop and talk to won't let you leave the conversation without a good laugh. The area has it's con's like with any neighborhood but it is so vibrant and alive which makes it fun just being there.

I'm sure after the summer when violence is at it's worst, I might not be saying the same thing but right now I love it. People support each other and look after one another. We've joined a community that is a lot of fun. And better yet, I think most of the people we have met really like us.

I guess it is kind of racist to think like this but I think part of me thought we wouldn't fit in, like we were different. Nope. There's not that much that makes us different. We're all broke and trying to get by.

What I love even more is that most people make light of how crappy their lives are instead of being depressed about it.

It's really a neat place and I hope my family and friends won't hesitate to come visit us. Just don't forget your gun when you come...Just kidding!

Bekah

I'm in a bad mood.

2005-03-24T08:35:00.000-06:00

I am still trying to settle into a new schedule. My immune system seemed to shut down this week as well, prabably from all the changes. I've had horrible allergies and as soon as I started feeling better I got a bad UTI. It hurts and it is making me cranky. So I am going to take my crankiness out on whoever is reading this.

The people I work for are really cool and I enjoy when they are around. I think I just take things to personally. I just want to be a good addition to their childrens' lives. It makes it hard to do my job when they don't let me. It's all so new and fresh that I know I just have to give it time.

No disrespect to the guy I work for, but it bummed me out that he came home so early and didn't let me go home to get some rest. I feel so drained today. I don't mind him coming home early so he can get stuff done around the house but this week it has been hard to establish boundries with his older kid because he steps in and lets him do things I wouldn't necessarily do. Or jumps in to tell him he isn't acting right.

I am trustworthy and responsible. I will be relieved when they figure that out!

It's rainy and gross outside today. And so is my attitude. Why is it that I never write when happy things are going on? I'll write something cheery next time.

Ok, here is another reason I think I am so bummed. I miss my family. A lot. I am super home sick. I've been away from my family before so I don't think missing them is all of it. I was so sick yesterday and I wanted to go "home" so badly but when I got there there was nothing to go "home" to. James was just as tired as I was and begining to not feel well. There was someone elses couch, someone elses, beds, someone elses stuff. I miss having a home. I can't wait to get settled again and have some normality in my life again.

Ok, one last thing. I miss James. We were together everyday, all day for so long and now I never see him. He tries to act like he is not exhausted from work but he is. We just vedge out on the couch and vent about our day at work. And then we go to bed. I see him for 2 or 3 hours before I go to bed. We really need to get our finances straitened out so we can work together for our own company. WE work so well together. It bums me out that I can't be with him as often any more.

That's enough of that. I'm feeling better now. I hope you're not bummed out after reading this! Come back and I will right happy things next time. Promise!

Bekah

The moral is...life always throws you curve balls.

2005-03-19T15:53:00.000-06:00

It is amazing how quickly your life can turn upside down. I was aware that is was coming, but by the time it arrived, I wasn't really prepared for it.

I was planning on starting my nanny job a few days ago and expected to commute from Topeka until James had found a job. It worked out that James ended up starting a new job the same day.

James had interviewed to work as a manager of an apartment complex in North Kansas City and was waiting to hear back. He finally heard back and after his third meeting with the owner, he was left in charge the following day to begin figuring things out. There is very little orginaization so most of the "figuring out" has been developing systems to run the business smoothly.

I love the family I am working for. I think we are all warming up to each other nicely but it still feels akward for me at times. I tend to make myself at home very quickly and I am begining to think that that can be good and bad.

To top it all off, they have been very generous and very helpful with our difficulties getting back on our feet. While I know they aren't making judgements against me, it is hard for me to ask for help when I need it but I have been asking for help since they began offering it. I think the biggest thing that has been bothering me is that James and I are down to one car now so I borrow theirs often. I don't want them to feel like I am trying to mooch off of them. I just want to help them out and be a good influence to their children. James and I will be back on our feet again shortly and hopefully we will find another car for cheap. (Galen, if you loved me, you would give me my car back...just kidding!)

Any new relationship takes some getting used to, I guess. The whole family is great so I know that eventually I will begin to feel more at home with them.

We are also homeless. While we have my parents' house in Topeka, the apartment of James' boss in KC, James' uncle in Overland Park, and I have the option to stay the night in Leavenworth after work if I want to, it's not quite good enough. It all is wonderful and we are so greatful for everyone that has helped us out. We are very greatful to have a roof above our heads each night. So don't take this the wrong way. I was just thinking about how we don't really live anywhere. We often use the word "home" to refer the place we are going to. It is so odd. We came "home" today to Topeka to use the computer, do laundry, and say hi to my family that we got so used to having around.

I got very used to seeing my dad everyday. While I saw everyone in my family almost daily, my dad, whom I haver always been very close to, was home all during the day with us while we were there. (It was so we wouldn't get in trouble I am sure!) Now, I haven't even talked to my dad in about 48 hours. It is really strange.

I have felt, for about the past week, that I have been walking around in a dream. I never got to say "goodbye" to anyone but I haven't really left because most of my stuff still lives at my parents' house.

I don't even know if any of this is making sense. It's hard to put into words the way I am feeling. IT'S JUST PLAIN WEIRD!

I know that there are only a few constant readers of my blog but now would be a good time to hear from you all. I need as many constants in my life right now so my head doesn't fall off. Especially, from my WWR friends...I haven't had my fix in a while! :)(Give Jim and Esther a hello from Bekah and James the Guru) If you can find the time, please leave me a comments or email me at bekahandjames@gmail.com

This sounds like I am advertising but I'm not.(Ok, maybe I am...but just a little) If you are a podcast listener, be on the look out for upcoming podcasts, I know they are going to be interesting with all the drama James is seeing at the apartments. Not to mention all the changes we have had recently. You can find those at http://bekahandjames.com

We don't have internet at the current place we "live" so be patient if we can't spit them out very often!

Bekah

PS. Leave me a fun, cheery message at 206-339-4545!

Letter to Sara

2005-03-02T15:49:00.000-06:00

I found my friend who is away at college who I have not seen or spoke to in a few years. She wants to know what she has missed since my wedding. This letter is to her. I hope she doesn't mind that I posted this publicly but I thought it would be easier to illustrate things for her. Plus, I would imagine it might be interesting for others to read it as well.

Sara,

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I wanted to make sure I have time to write more than a sentence or two. I don't know where to start. You want me to start at the honeymoon...oooo...I should just start writing a book right now. I'll try and add illustrations!

There was the wedding of course. The honeymoon in Alaska was amazing. We were sick most of the time, therefore not getting to hike as much as we would have liked. I think the stress from the wedding finally got to us and beat our immune system into the ground.It rained the whole time were there, making it hard to stay dry. My favorite meal of the honeymoon was Salmon cooked on the fire. We were camping in another town when James met a man who had just gotten back from a fishing trip. He offered James a generous amount of salmon steaks. It was awesome! We wouldn't mind moving there eventually. We were sad to have to leave!

This is unrelated but we have made "friends" with a couple in Alaska. They broadcast 24 hr indie folk music from their cabin in Talkeetna, Alasks. I love to tune in whenever I am working on stuff. I love them. They are great people. If you get a chance, you should check it out. Whole Wheat Radio

We continued living in our apartment with our dog, Xander, who learned to open doors and cabinets. We lost hundreds of dollars in new groceries until we figured out how to tie the fridge and cabinets closed!

Before our wedding we took a trip to Chicago. I wanted so badly to tranfer to Columbia and James wanted to work for a coffee company. We took the trip so we could take a tour of the college and have job interviews. The school was nothing to get excited about, especially when considering the HUGE difference in price. I still would have loved it but the job stuff fell through and we didn't want to try and plan the wedding from Chicago. Chicago 1. Chicago 2. Chicago 3.

James quit working for PTs and started an espresso euipment repair business. It was doing quite well until...well...the things we do for love.

After my senior year of college, I was tired and burnt out. I had the honor of doing a show over the summer with the Karen Hastings Players. I think the story goes as follows. Phil Grecian asked Jo Huseman who he should ask to play the roles of the young couple in his play. She said, he had to had Greg Krumins and I. So Phil called me up and asked me to do the show. While I was so excited not to have to audition, I didn't say yes right away. I asked to read a script. The script revealed that I would have to kiss Greg. James and I had mixed feelings about is, since he was my ex-boyfriend. I expressed my concern to Phil and he said he would work with me to make sure I was comfortable. During Toby Saves the Farm, I met my good friend, Chris Waugh (his son went to school with us). He put me in touch with Ric Averill, who cast James and I in a children's theatre show that inspired this blog. James quickly bonded with other members of the cast!

We began the Aesop's Fables tour in September, leaving James' business behind. Here I am showing off our new costumes to my parents. The assembly we performed was about 45min of Aesop's Fables that kept all ages, including adults, captivated and laughing. Although we liked to perform on a gymnasium floor, we often got put on the stage. We were distanced from the kids and they didn't react as well to the show since we were so far away.

The most exciting stuff has happened more recently. Due to the show, James discovered he had a hernia that had been laying dormant for a while. Every show he did made the hernia worse and worse until he couldn't stand it anymore. At one point, we were waitng "backstage" to perform, the kids were seated for our third show of the day and I thought I was going to have to cancel the show and take James to the hospital.James is a tough cookie. He got demanded we do the show. It was shortly after that, that we decided to see a doctor who told us that it was potentially life threatening. We knew it was something that needed to be taken care of immediately.

We started living with my parents and we are still here! We have had no income for over a month now. We went from spending hundreds of dollars a day on food, hotel and gas to having no money for food, shelte or gas. Thank god for my family...well OUR families and friends. We will definetly be more greatful for the money we have once we start working again.

So, James had his surgery on Mardi Gras and now he is doing great. Ouch! But at least he got beads, which he earned! He was well taken care of! Three more weeks and he can return back to most activities.

Currently, I just got a job as a Nanny for a great family in Leavenworth. James is waiting to hear about a potential job in North Kansas City. Soon enough, we should be back on our feet and enjoying our PRIVACY again! Here is our "bedroom!" And our bedroom again!
At least we aren't in the dining room like we used to be!

Hannah was nominated for Homecoming. We were on the road then so we missed it. I didn't miss, however, Galen's nomination for Royalty of courts. He loves us, he really does!

Galen is a really cool guy. He never seems embarrassed to hang out with James and I although, he doesn't invite us to tag along much and we can't afford to invite him out right now! Despite the picture, I know he loves me! We have been going to the gym together at night which I love! We don't spend the whole time at the gym together but I treasure those few minutes in the car or at the gym that he talks with me!

Hannah doesn't have much time for me anymore which really bums me out. She does a million things and keeps her grades up. She does cheerleading, babysitting, works as a host at Texas Roadhouse and everything in between.

I want to make sure you get a good idea of what you're missing!
This is what they do when dad tries to talk to them! This is from winter semi-formal!

Alright! I think that is enough for now. While I am sure there is much more that I missed, I sure it can be saved for a nice discussion over coffee. Let me know when you will be in town! I hope you don't mind that I shared this letter with the world! I'll keep sending you letter via email!

Bekah

The moral is...help someone in need.

2005-03-01T15:13:00.000-06:00

Here are a few messages I have recieved concerning Mary Travers. Please help cheer her up. Start making calls and sending e-mails!Thanks for your help.

As you might know, Mary Travers of Peter Paul & Mary is in
the hospital gearing up for a bone marrow transplant (six
matches were found!) -- she will be hospitalized for at
least the next six weeks. I have set up an address where you
and your listeners can send Mary 'get well' wishes -- I will
print them out once a week and send them over (she cannot
have visitors, so this is a way to help keep her
entertained). In case you don't know, Mary is very funny,
sarcastic, loves a good joke -- so if you know any good
jokes, I'm sure she'd get a kick out of them. Over the years
PP&M have proven to be one of the most enduring folk groups
that talks the talk AND walks the walk, supporting good
causes and doing countless benefits, so here's a chance for
us to help support her during a difficult time. The address
is getwellmary@aol.com Thanks so much --

Christine Lavin

A message from Whole Wheat Radio:

You can call (907)733-2934 anytime in the next day or two
and leave a telephone message that I'll make sure gets to
her via Christine on CD. I'll collect it all and send it off
to Christine who will then deliver it to Mary.

Let's see if we can't give something warm and fuzzy back to
this woman who helped pave the way for the music we hear
today on WWR. Thanks!

The moral is...keep waiting!

2005-02-26T23:50:00.000-06:00

Finally a phone call from the director this week. We haven't returned his phone call yet because we still don't know what to do.

I tend to think that things happen for a reason. Most major decisions in my life have been pretty clear to me when it was the correct time to make them. That's not saying the decisions were easy to make, fate or god or whatever you may or may not believe in, made it clear that there was a clear path to take.

The waiting is the hardest part. Trial and error, trial and error and then I start to question if a path will be layed out for me. And sure enough, right when you feel like giving up, the signs are there.

We are still waiting.

The problem we face now is the money. We would love to go back out on the road. It is going to be hard to explain to them that we can afford to. It really isn't their problem though. Once again we have no money.

Alright, let's think this through. We decide to go out on the road. We make no money for another few weeks until it is time to go out. How do we put gas in our car to get to our first show? How do we pay for a hotel? Ok let's say we sleep in the car...how do we eat? And then we don't get payed until Wed or Thurs. And then part of our check goes to filling in the negative numbers in our bank account. Then we start a new week of trying to eat, sleep and put gas in the car.

We already owe for repairs done to our car. I'm sure he would be willing to give us an advance to get back out on the road. While that sounds fine and dandy...ask yourself how many jobs have you taken that have left you in debt. It's just not right. I'm not going to be more in debt at the end of this than when we began. Well, that's not true. I am. But I refuse to include even more money into the picture so those jokers can start making money again.

It sounds like I am whining again. I'm sorry! Thanks for still reading! I just want to keep everyone up to date on the Aesop's Fables adventures!

Bekah

Call us!

2005-02-21T14:06:00.000-06:00

We just register with K7, a free voice mail/fax service. So you can call us and leave us messages telling us how cool we are!

The number for our podcast is 206-339-4545. If you call this number, know that it might get played during our podcast unless you say otherwise. Anything goes! Call me...I need to feel special!

The number for my Just 4 Kids podcast is 206-339-5437. If you call this number please make sure its for the kids and not a personal message.

Thanks,

Bekah

PS. The funnier, the better!

The moral is...life is a big freakin' adventure!

2005-02-18T23:59:00.000-06:00

First, I would like to thank the few people that commented or sent me e-mails regarding my last two posts. I thought that was really cool. I am especially excited about my Whole Wheat Radio buddy, Fred, for keeping up with me. I feel so honored! I encourage everyone to send me comments...it really boosts me up and makes me feel good. And if you have a website, let me know. I am really nerdy about that kind of stuff and I'd like to check them out.

So, I started this blog to keep people updated on our life on the road. We had so many adventures and now we are home. It has been hard to keep up the writing as much as I would like to. Let's get back to the Aesop's Adventure, shall we.

Last time I wrote, I was being told that it was expected of me to continue on the road with out James. James had his surgery about a week and a half ago so that idea was dropped when they realized how long it would be before they even got me back out.

The director let me know that there were going to be two other actors from the Chicago area who were going to continue the tour for a while. He made arrangements to come pick our costumes. I ran around franticly trying to gather up the things they would need and seperate them from our personal items. Let we waited...and waited...and waited. No phone call. No nothing. Finally, I asked James to check e-mail to see if had written. By the way, he has ignored my request to update his address book and e-mail me at another address. He is the only one who EVER emails us at that address so we have to make sure to check it regularly to see if he has written.

He had written and said he had forgotten that his weekend was completly booked and he couldn't make it. Could he come pick it up a few days later. We e-mailed him back and said that was fine. The night before we made sure to check e-mail, guessing he wasn't going to make it. Yep! It was 12am and there was an e-mail saying he would e-mail us late that night if he would be arriving in the morning. We didn't hear from him until today.

Now, he wants to come pick up four items, so I have to re-organize everything that I gathered up for him originally. However, he wanted to come today or tommorow. We are staying with James' family for a night or two so we don't even have the things he needs with us. The other option he suggested was for us to ship it and he would reimburse us. He must have forgotten the part about he had to come pick up the stuff because we couldn't afford to put gas in our car and bring it to him. WE ARE IN THE RED. NO ONE HAS PAYED US. WE AREN'T WORKING. WHAT PART OF THAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? Ok, I feel better!

Ok, how are you doing? Do you need a break? Should I split it up into two parts. No I'll keep going. But now would be a good time for a bathroom break. We will call this INTERMISSION!

Meanwhile, I emailed the real boss to tell him that the doctor's office said that we might be able to go out on the road sooner than expected. We had some guidlines that I thought were reasonable. He said, we could go out but he had people for two weeks and we would have to play the game their way if we went back out. AND James would have to move his doctor's appointment up. Ok, James isn't doing THAT well. He's doing ok but he is definitly not ok enough to just jump back into the regular, strenuous schedule.

Then the director e-mails me to ask if I can go out in two weeks without James for a few weeks.

I am still looking for a job. We have NO money. If I find a job, it is going to be really difficult for them to talk me into quiting my job to go back out on the road for a month or two and then start the job search again.

Well, I'll keep you updated as the soap oprea continues.

Pictures

2005-02-17T09:52:00.000-06:00

Check out some family pictures!

The moral is...WWR Rocks!

2005-02-10T16:21:00.000-06:00

A story:

There was a man who once was very happy with his life. He had the perfect life; a wife, a child. There was a world of oppurtunities waiting for him and his family.

He participated in a wonderful community he called his church. He found peace, happiness and love there. He was surround by a world that was familar to him. This world gave him a sense of security and a feeling of love.

One day that community was taken away from him. He searched long and hard for a new community. Years went by. Activities came and went, and no matter how hard the people around him tried to include him in their communities, he felt as if there was no community left for him. The people began giving up on trying to include him in their activities.

He refused to see the good things that were being handed to him. His wonderful family no longer gave him the same happiness that it once did. He had refused every community that had come and gone, wishing that they were like the community he longed for.

Eventually, this wonderful, good-hearted man, woke up and realized that there was nothing in his life that made him happy. Every day became a harsh reality of what he thought he was missing out on.

He packed his bags, leaving behind everything; including his family. He returned to this church he had longed for for so long. The community was gone. In it's place was a new generation of people that he could no longer relate to.

Now he had nothing. He felt as if all his possibilities for a better life died that day. Ashamed of what he had done, he felt as though he could not return home.

The man died that day. He had talked himself out of being able to find himself a home. There was no reason for him to exsist any longer.

An explaination:

Last time I wrote I was feeling down. Jim at Whole Wheat Radio read the entry during the live, hour long rant and made a comment about the fact that no one had commented to help cheer me up. One "wheathead" did! And although it was just one. It made all the difference. Thank you Jim and thank you fine-line!

It is amazing to me the different types of communities that are availible to people. I thought I had outgrown chatting online. Now way! Not when I found Whole Wheat Radio.

There have only been a few times that I have ever seen or heard people putting others down. Most of the time, everyone there will lift you up and make you feel better about whatever is bothering you in your world.

If you decide to check them out, assuming you haven't already, let me tell you this...the first few times I listen to their "podcast" or "audio magazine" I thought is was horrible. I couldn't figure out what all the computer generated voices were all about and why Jim and Esther were screaming all the time. Once I visited their website, figured it out, realized they DIDN'T scream all the time, I was hooked for good!

Please visit their website and at least listen to their 24 hr stream of music!

Bekah

The moral is...life stinks and then you die!

2005-02-09T09:24:00.000-06:00

James' surgery is done. Now I am afraid this is where the fun begins. Although, I went to bed early, I slept very vew hours last night. James was waking up a lot. His sleeping routine was off as well. I was so worried I was going to hurt him and that made it hard to sleep. Plus his sleeping habits were so unusual. He kept talking in his sleep and snoring. Both are pretty unlike him.

I can't believe that it was expected of me to rehearse through all of this and then leave once the surgery was over. The director wised up at least. Unfortunately, I don't think they can find anyone because I haven't heard from them.

I've interview for two jobs so far. I haven't heard back from either one yet. First of all we have very little money which will be taken up by bills and by tickets from out travels. That's it! That leave 0 dollars for us to live on.

While my parents would never admit it, I know we have got to be a burden on them. I can hardly stand this arrangement. It works though. I'm starting to get a little worried about how we are all supposed to survive. Hopefully, one of those jobs will come through SOON.

I'm feeling kind of down. I am trying not to show it but I don't know how good of a job I am doing. I think I managed to fake it yesterday. I was pretty layed back about everything, I think. Now, we've arrived back to reality and it sucks. What else can I do? Anyone out there have a job for me? I'm a hard worker. At least send me happy comments and e-mails to cheer me up!

Bekah

Our podcasts

2005-02-03T13:57:00.000-06:00

I apologige to my friends who can't listen to podcasts. Please keep reading, I really appreciate it!

For everyone else, our podcasts are up and running. Check out James' creation called The Emergency Podcast System at the website he designed. I'm proud he learned all that html stuff.What am I talking about? He can do everything!

www.bekahandjames.com

And then for anyone with kids I have started on that is for kids, ironically called Just 4 Kids. James was kind enough to give me a sub domain on our site. Here is the link for that.

www.just4kids.bekahandjames.com

Bekah

The moral is...with a job comes money.

2005-02-01T20:55:00.000-06:00

In celebration of looking for a job, I decided to get the new ipod shuffle. Naturally I wanted the 1GB ipod that was a good deal more. Nope, I got the 512MB for less and I am so excited.

Before all the caos with James' operation, we sold our car and bought a computer that was to be James' because I am a computer hog. I own and ancient ibook that is on its death bed but it still works. The new laptop we got at a VERY reasonable price. We knew that it would be a lot more reliable than the ibook. Now that we are stating home, maybe for good, naturally it is too late to take it back.

Therefore, I made James hold up his part of the bargain and allow me to buy the ipod. All of this coming to a grand total of less than what we sold the car for. Regardless, now are supper broke but at least we have cool toys.

Life is short, right?

So I begin making calls tomorrow and dropping off resumes. Wish me luck.

Bekah

PS Check out our podcast! www.bekahandjames.com

Rachel's Choice

2005-01-27T16:25:00.000-06:00

I recieved a comment from the father of "Rachel's Choice." How can I compete with this? She is the youngest podcaster out there! She is eight years old and her show is better than mine. To bad I don't have a cute, eight year old voice.

A big thank you to her dad! Here's her feed:

http://www.godcast.org/categories/rachelSChoice/rss.xml

website:

http://www.godcast.org/categories/rachelSChoice/

Bekah

More children podcasts!

2005-01-27T09:57:00.000-06:00

I an diving deep to find out what is really out there. I found a podcast called Family Review. It looks to me that most of the shows can be listened to by children, as they are watching children's movies. Their blog shows that they have reviewed adult films but they claim to review "family oriented" to I'm dure it would be appropriate for kids. Check it out.

http://jmetzger.casdracast.com/family-reviews.rss

Alright, well, that's it. The others I found were not what they claimed to be. Well one of them might have been but it was in a different language so I'm not sure what it's about.

Soon, I'll quit blogging about all this and save it for my website. Until then, deal with it!

Bekah

The moral is...the show must go on...after what is truely important.

2005-01-26T21:44:00.000-06:00

I can imagine what people are thinking about sometimes. Natuarally, the company we work for isn't jumping for joy about James getting surgery. They are urging me to go back out on the road while James is recovering.

That's great but I don't see how two people who aren't related can figure out how to do this sort of thing whith anyone else. Ok let weigh the variables here.

I stay. I get to be with James, I get to find temp work to help pay off the outrageous bills that we are going to have(but basically I'll make money), I'll get to hang out with my family, and I won't have to go hang out in WI in the middle of winter.

I go. I don't get to be with James while he CAN'T MOVE for two weeks, I get half of the pay a week to try and pay for half of everything we do(the director thinks we will save 100-200 bucks a week, HA, what a joke), I get to drive MY car, I get to spend my time not getting paid to rehearse again, and I get to sleep every night with someone that isn't my husband.

I know I forgot something but I think clearly, my decision is made. It's going to be tough for the Company to convince me otherwise. We'll see what happens.

Bekah

The Emergency Podcast System

2005-01-26T21:23:00.000-06:00

I've really been neglecting my blog. We have been dedicating a lot of time to our podcasts. That's right podcasts, as in plural. James and I finally have one up and running:

http://www.bekahandjames.com/podcast/rss.xml

The other one is called Just4Kids. And I'm sure you can figure out what that's about. I have recorded one already but James hasn't done the xml for that yet.It's more fun to do it with James anyway.

I've hunted around and if there is a podcast for kids I have missed it. There's Sheakspeare Souffle. They are definitely kid friendly btu my immpression is not that they are just for kids but rather a wholesome family show.

http://bradley.chicago.il.us/ss/rss.xml

Each podcast will have a different theme. The first one id Dr. Suess for grades PK-5. I have some other topics in the works about kids getting stuck by lightening and stories from KidsPub.com.

The moral is...all good things must come to an end.

2005-01-23T21:00:00.000-06:00

This past week has not been the best week for us.

Tuesday, James found out that he has an umbilical hernia. We figured as much, but my dad made him go see a stomach specialist on a day that we only had one show.

We didn't take it very serious until we did more research this weekend and found out that he could potencially die from it. The risk is greater everytime he does a show. The more strenuous the work, the worse off he is.

With the help of our family, we decided that James needs surgery as soon as possible, therefore, we will not continue the tour until he has recovered.

I guess I could finish it with someone else but I hardly see how that is possible to do on the current pay we are getting. And whose car would we take...not mine!

So here is the part where you feel sorry for me. We don't have health insurance! My mom recently spoke to a nurse at the hospital who said, basically surgeons will not operate on people who don't have insurance. Kind of looks like we are screwed. She suggested that we fake the urgency of his condition so he can get surgery via the ER. I am sure that won't be cheap.

Currently, I am looking for a job to at least help pay off this thing.

If you feel pity for us and can offer us money, I have set up a Pay Pal account. Help if you can, otherwise, send us happy thoughts our way!

Bekah

PS We have a podcast coming soon! It was supposed to be about our journeys on the road. We'll have to see what it is going to be like now!

The moral is...everything has it's season.

2005-01-18T06:14:00.000-06:00

This is tearing me apart. I had dreams about leaving home all night. Everyone waiting while I pack.

I am so excited to go home again but it's just for tonight and then that is it. I won't see anyone again until May. I guess that's only four months now.

What makes it so hard is that the past three times I have said goodbye, I thought is was until May. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe we'll come back before then. I doubt it!

On a more exciting note, I told our director of our show that I didn't think we would be returning. I didn't whine to him about all the things that nag at me about the tour, I simply explained to him about the money.We need more money if we are going to do it again. The offer we got was $50/week more. While that would be nice right about now, that's not worth it.

Without my parents I don't know how we would have survived the three weeks at home with no pay.

I think we kind of get screwed with the money part of all of it because unlike the other shows, we have this guys name attached to our show. I am pretty sure he gets paid every week as well for writing and directing the show. But the show was terrible when we got it. Some of our fables are verbatim out of the book. It is what it is because of us not because of him. So if we do this again, we have another well respected writer who is going to dramatize some stories for us free of charge. That way we can hopefully get paid properly for the work we do.

Bekah

The moral is...enjoy being home while you can.

2005-01-14T22:11:00.000-06:00

Aesop. Who was he? Why do we preach his morals to children everyday?

The answer is: No one really knows for sure. As far as I know, Aesop was a slave who used his stories to get both in and out of trouble. During Roman and Greek times, his stories were known by everyone. (Like "The Three Little Pigs" is known today.) The stories were told often but they were never written down.

When someone finally wrote them down, the stories were finally summed up in a moral, or a lesson. So the morals don't come directly from Aesop, most of them come from the editors that put Aesop's stories onto paper.

That is a little explaination as to why I assign morals to some of my writting.

Now that that is said and done, I want to talk about the choices we made today. There was much debate about whether or not to come home. Niether of us where really for or against a certain choice, but rather we both recognized the pro's and con's of our choices.

We left last Monday not knowing for sure if we would see our family again until May. When we finished our work today, we were 6-7 hours away with a 7-8 hour drive Sunday to get back to our Monday schools.

While today we knew that it didn't seem like a big deal whether we went home or not, we knew that in a month we would wish that we had. We see hardly any family on the road, it is so important to be with our family while we can.

Ok, gotta go! Speaking of, I think my family has come home for the night!

Bekah

The moral is...I just want to rant about my day!

2005-01-13T20:10:00.000-06:00

How do I describe what we have seen today? I do believe James called it, "Back Woods." The teacher we spoke to at our second school, who lived in Petaluma, CA until she was in her late 20s, described it as "rustic." She compared it to Oklahoma saying that California was "manicured." What I think she ment was people don't throw their trash EVERYWHERE in California.

Ok, listen people. If you think about scheduling out program at your school, please do what is asked of you! It's not like we ask that much. Our show does not work as well when the kids sit in the bleechers. Hello! We've done this enough to know what works and what does not. Thank you! It drives me crazy when people don't allow their students to get the best show possible.

Our second show today was a nightmare. (The school referred to in the audio blog.) On one side of the gym was a few rows of regular bleechers and on the other side was the side were they keep score, etc. There was a big wooden desk type structure and a set of bars that ran the entire length of the gym.

Our show is VERY interactive. If we are isolated from the kids as we were today, our show doesn't work very well. Change is ok, people. Really, I promise. It will be ok to do things differently for once.

As I am sure you have figured out, the kids sat on the OTHER SIDE. AHHHHH! It drives me crazy.

Ok, one more thing to rant about. James and I went to GOODWILL today. I found an awesome sweater I liked. $5! What, I don't think so. That really wasn't that big of a deal, I just like a good deal. The big deal was that they had very few t-shirts and the ones they did have were $4.25. If I wanted overpriced used clothes, I wouldn't go to Salvation Army or Goodwill.

What is going on with Goodwill anyway. Has anyone been to one of the "fancy" Goodwills? It's rediculous! What's happening?!!

Bekah

Stilwell, OK

2005-01-13T11:17:00.000-06:00

Tornado Warnings on I-40

2005-01-12T16:31:00.000-06:00

Oklahoma, OK

2005-01-11T17:39:00.000-06:00

North of El Dorado, KS

2005-01-10T20:57:00.000-06:00

Topeka, KS

2005-01-09T22:32:00.000-06:00

The moral is...give us your money!

2005-01-09T20:37:00.000-06:00

An update on the car. Our company glady paid for or repairs. Isn't that nice! BUT, WE GLAGLY GET TO PAY THEM BACK!

Here's the deal. We get paid a certain amount every week. With that money, we can do what we please, but we have to get from place to place. That means GAS. Then, we have to eat everyday, that means FOOD. Although we have a camp stove that we use for dinners, we have to eat out for lunch due to time restraints in between shows. Then, we have to have shelter. We've slept in the car before, but we choose to do the HOTEL thing. Occasionaly, we have had family to stay with and a principal invited us into his home, so that saves money. After 3 weeks of NO pay, any money we had is gone.

From week to week, we budget our money trying to stay in hotels that are around 50 dollars. The more you travel, the more you find that that is kind of impossible. There is always Motel 6 but for another 10 bucks you get a pool, gym, and free breakfast, etc.

Alright, so we struggle financially. That's ok. We do fine, but now we have a huge amount of money we owe our company. (Jim Bob on WWR gave me a good idea, so here it goes!) For anyone who has a little extra money laying around that wants to help out please let me know.

bekahandjames@gmail.com

Or if you want to be anonymous, you can mail our company and explain my poor pathetic plea for money!

The Bureau of Lectures and Concert Artists, Inc.
123 West 8th Street, Suite 205
Lawrence, KS 66044

Well, we are back on the road tommorow. I am getting a little teary thinking about having to say goodbye to my family once again. Hey, at least our car is running well!

Don't forget to listen to Whole Wheat Radio. If you haven't checked it out yet, you should know that I am dissapointed. So go there now!

http://www.wholewheatradio.com

Bekah

The moral is...life on the road is not good on your car.

2005-01-06T11:56:00.000-06:00

Our car was supposed to be in the shop for the next two days, getting the clutch replaced. Haha, guess what, it's not the clutch, it's the worse possible thing ever...that's right, you guessed it. It's the Transmission! We scheduled this in advance and now here we are, having to be in Texas on Monday with no way to get there.

We began the tour in September. Since then, we have managed to put nearly 20,000 miles on our car.

In case you didn't know, actors don't make very much money. We didn't get paid for the three weeks we were home so we REALLY don't have any money.

This should be a very interesting day!

Bekah

The moral is...listen to Whole Wheat Radio

2005-01-05T23:25:00.000-06:00

Ok, so if you know me, you know that I have been encouraging people to check out podcasting. Tonight, Jim Bob from Whole Wheat Radio talked about this blog on their 24 hour stream. You can imagine how excited I was! James says I'm a nerd. I am! I get it from my dad! (Dad, you know I mean that in the most sincere way possible.)

When we began our tour in Sept., James and I left behind our almost new desktop PC and my ibook from 1999. We didn't think we would need it, and we don't really, but it makes it easier to pay bills, keep in touch with friends and, now, since my dad introduced me, listen to podcasts.

We picked up the ibook, Ruphus, when we came home for Thanksgiving. When we leave again on Sunday, we are taking the ibook with us again. We hope to start a podcast soon from the road but are unsure of whether or not it will hold up to the challenge.

HOWEVER, the first thing I tested Ruphus on, was whether or not it could handle the 24 hour stream of Whole Wheat Radio. It does, and I am so excited. No matter how far away I am from home, two things will always remain the same: I will have James by my side and WWR in my ears!

Please check out www.wholewheatradio.com

I promise you will love it!

Bekah

Shopping

2004-12-29T18:48:00.000-06:00

As I drove to my parent's house tonight, after a brief shopping adventure with my sister before she went to work, I fingured out something about myself.

The last visit with my best friend in Albuquerque, I found the typical shopping we used to do was horribly uncomfortable. As we have gotten older, we have become very different. She more girl, and I like to get my hands dirty. Why spent $20 for a t-shirt? It's a t-shirt!

My sister reminds me more and more of my friend everyday. She is much more materialistic that I. She was talking about how she NEEDED a new purse(I made her two before I left), and I couldn't help but think how there are people that NEED food and shelter right now in India.

My sister and I grew up being very close. Now I can't even get her to spend time with me and when she does, it's like pulling teeth to get her to talk about her life of her dreams or anything. But she can call me up when I am on the road and rant for thirty minutes straight about how bad her life is.

Ok, so what I figured out about myself...

I get irritated when I get teased about liking to shop by my husband. I figured out tonight that when I'm getting teased about going shopping, I've got images of my friend or my sister running through my head.

It's no big deal. I just like to get a good deal. I couldn't imagine paying $40 for a denim jacket. I can barely make myself pay that much for a crappy down coat for our trip to MN and WI.

Bekah

The moral is...CALL ME!

2004-12-21T09:33:00.000-06:00

Ok well I am "home" now for a while so if you are reading this and live in the area, you will know where to find me. Happy Holidays!

Bekah

The moral is...If you have to introduce a presenter, check to make sure they are there first.

2004-12-18T15:40:00.000-06:00

Christmas. Family. Home. They all have taken on a different meaning for me now that I have left and returned home again.

I walked through the neighborhood where I onced lived, looking at christmas lights, crying with frustration. Having a home can mean somethng as simple as having a place to feel safe taking a walk in.

It makes me tired not having a be of my own. Well I do have a bed but my sister is borrowing it since we were going to be away so long. And now I wish she hadn't. My back and neck hurt from sleeping on the floor and crappy mattresses in mid-range hotels.

My brother and sister are seniors in high school. They manage to make everyone around them unhappy. Isn't that the job of every seventeen year old. I got yelled at today beacause I asked one of them to hang out with me. It is so loud here. I can't stand it.

We had a strange week last week. Thursday we cancelled our first show because we were so ill. The second show our boss finally came to see our show. We were worried he was going to cancel our show or something. Nope. He just came to see our show and tell us we were doing a good job.

Friday we went to Liberty, MO. We performed for a group of 90 Third graders who made comments like, "That's not funny!" Tough crowd. Well i would have been tough too if I had to wait as long as they did for our show to start.

We had called in way ahead of time and said we had hit bad traffic in Downtown KC and we would be arriving late. No one checked to see if we were ready and so when they announced us I was still in the bathroom changing. Please note: If you have to introduce a presenter, check to make sure they are there first.

I'm tired, frustrated, sick, etc. and I have no where to go to escape from it all and have a moment to myself.

AHHHHHHH!

Bekah

The moral is...check the schedule.

2004-12-14T17:32:00.000-06:00

Today was an interesting day. Once again, we weren't made to feel very welcome at our first school. We had a great show, however, and afterward the teachers that were cold when we arrived became our best friends.

The PE teacher asked us if we ment to get the kids as wound up as we did. YES! Of course! They made the show a lot of fun. The show was fun for me again today. It's always fun but today it was really fun.

We went home to Topeka and returned our rental car that we got for our Colorado trip and went for a relaxing luch at our favorite reseraunt.

With 45 minutes to spare we began the 20 minute journey to our second school. My friend Chris was coming to the show and I was thinking about how he had said in his e-mail that he would see us at 1pm. It was 12:45pm. Why would he be there so early when our show started at 2pm.

I asked James if he was sure our show started at 2pm. He said he was and I picked up the schedule and...NOPE. It started in 15 min. We are so sleep deprived that we got our shows confused.

After some convincing, we got Chris(also an actor) to give us some advice. He made some really good points. I look foward to trying some new things tommorrow. It was awesome to have a familiar face in the audience and to get some feedback on our show.

Bekah

The moral is...check out podcasting.

2004-12-14T07:28:00.001-06:00

I'm getting so burnt out. I think it's all the traveling in the midwest. We haven't taken pictures or used our camcorder since we came home for Thanksgiving. We are home off and on this week. It makes me feel even less motivated to go to work every day. No...I think it is just the eighteen hours of driving we had to do in the last 36hours that is making me so cranky.

My dad burned some CDs for James and I of this young, hip couple in Wayne, WI. They have this podcast that can be vulgar at times but is really funny. So if you dare, check them out.

www.dawnanddrew.com

They've saved us from the boredom of the road.

I'm keeping it short today because we still have to drive an hour to our first show. Check back later. I might post again tonight.

Bekah

You get two today!

2004-12-10T06:46:00.000-06:00

My memory of which school was where fades rather quickly. I can't remember from day to day where we were the day before. I'll say James, "What school was that?" He will start describing it and the memory will come back.

While some schools are clearer than others, it's mostly a big blur of schools in my memory. A constant blur of hotels, restraunts, gas stations, grocery stores, and scenery flashing by in the window.

The more I think about this, the more I don't want to do it again. I'm back and forth about it. I am so much happier from day to day than when I was going to school and working around such a negative, unhappy person all the time. I would be referring to my manager at the coffee shop, who has since been let go because of her negativity.

There's not very much to have to worry about out here. Well less than when we were home. James and I have so much fun together. While it's too cold to swim in Topeka, we swim several times a week. We don't have to make our bed.

The company we work for sucks the fun out of it. The kids put the joy back in it for us. So you can see why I would be back and forth about wether or not I want to do this again.

If we return next year, we are doing American Tall Tales. There are reasons we like our show so much. The kids are familiar with our stories, which are funny, and they laugh the whole time. People are always telling us how much our show stands out from the other assemblies. We keep the kids, of all ages engaged for the entire show. There is something to be said about that.

Do we keep this as a nice faded memory? Do we do it again and hope we enjoy our show next year(if the pay is right)? Do we wait and try and do it on our own in a few years? What should we do? I need your comments people.

Bekah

The moral is...don't cancel shows when you need medical assistance.

2004-12-10T06:27:00.000-06:00

My fever is gone, I'm on antibiodics, and I am feeling better. I still have a sore throat but I can tell that is getting better as well. I think just the thought of getting to see my family in a few days is helping my recovery.

I think we screwed ourselves pretty badly. We cancelled some shows to come home and get James' tooth fixed. If we had just done one more show, I think we would have gotten to spend this weekend home. Instead, we get to drive back to Colorado this weekend to make up our shows we missed. Although we would prefer to be home, I'm ok with that. I don't want another group making up our show for us. I don't think that is fair.

When our employer told us that he was sending us back, he sent me a TYPED fax saying that he was sending us back but would be more than happy to help us with gas.

James talked to him yesterday and it's amazing, somehow, he forgot he said that. Oh, but he'll reluctantly give us $50. That's so nice. That will get us there and not back.

Really, that isn't what I am upset about. That's typical. What I am upset about is that after our three shows in Colorado, we have to drive NINE hours to Emporia for a 9:30am show.

Our empoyer says the drive is only 5 hours, 6 at the most. We made the drive home and with us driving a little over the speed limit, it took 9 hours to Topeka.

On the other hand, we picked up a show in Emporia the Tuesday, Dec 21 and he is going to give us almost all of the money he get from that show. Can we get an advance on that so we can get home from Colorado? Just kidding, that just means one person in our family might get a Christmas present this year. Everyone put your names in a hat...

Bekah